Despite the fact that I have just three regular readers, I'm estimating that there will be between ten and twenty people who believe that I'm writing this post "for them". Believe me when I tell you that I am not writing this for anyone.. These words -- like everything I've written here -- are for common (and I imagine largely indifferent) consumption. You didn't do it. No one did.
Also, this is being typed in a conversational tone. I'm not grinding my teeth.
I'm a private person who has chosen to talk about personal things in a public forum. I have reasons for this, and they're not even interesting to me. For god's sake, 99% of what I write isn't even interesting to me! Just know that in the real world my life is not an open book.
For example, after knowing me for nearly ten years a close friend of mine was surprised to learn that I had a sibling who had been murdered. This was an event that in many ways formed and informed my whole belief system. It powerfully and irrevocably changed my life. It still reverberates. I just never thought to mention it.
Old friends and acquaintances don't know where I'm from, how many siblings I have, if and when I'm afraid, what I like about myself, or what I don't like about myself. Reading this it sounds like I'm Martha of Mystery, but honestly I'm not. I'm just reserved about those things. As stated earlier, I'm a private person. Plus, what's so fascinating about our own hooey?
Given the above it's surprising that I've shared some of things I've shared here. I've talked about crying, being afraid, being lonely....
I believe I conjectured once that my mother would be happy that I'm dying....
I've posted entire radiology reports of CT Scans...
But I wasn't writing an e-mail to you.
The only aspect of blogging that makes me uncomfortable is receiving emails from people who respond privately to statements I've made publicly.
One of the reasons I'm a private person is that I don't want people saying they're going to pray for me.
Posting comments? Posting comments is great! If you want to pray for me, please tell me so in a posted comment. Let everyone else see that you're going to pray. If my post made you cry, please post that, as well. Perhaps everyone would like to know that you've been crying.
I purposefully created a blog without a "link" for people to email me privately, because I did not wish to correspond privately about these matters. Unless I do. And if I do, you probably know.
Also, please be aware that "read your blog... just want you to know I'm thinking about you" is fine. That's not what I'm talking about here.
Do you know what I'm talking about here?
Let's hope!
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2 comments:
I "read" about 30 blogs a week.. (skim mostly) and in truth, your's is the only one I actually "read" read.
Every time I turn to it, I both look forward to and dread what your next post will say.
You posts are expressive and well written.. sometimes moving.. sometimes funny.
And while I'm not personally praying for you, I sure as hell would like there to be some kind of miracle.
Thank you for saying something! I felt like I sounded so bitchy, even though I wasn't feeling it! Believe me, I feel more than a little sheepish telling people not to pray for me. I mean ... how ungracious is that? Don't email me with your concerns and don't pray for me. SO THERE!
I have a lot of thoughts about private vs. public and friendships and relationships and blogs and blah blah blah but ... I just wanna keep blogging, and keep on feeling good about all the nice folks who do read and care.
Eric is my miracle -- which I've said before and unashamedly. I won't even blush about it. He's my miracle, and in the deepest possible way I'm good.
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