Over With

I broke out my box of hats today. I dislike hats. I think they look nice enough on people with hair, but... oh well. It doesn't matter.

I was a little sniffley this morning before I left the house, but I was dry eyed and smiling when I walked through the door at work. It was sincere enough. For the most part I don't mind being bald. The trouble is dealing with the reactions of those with whom I am nominally acquainted. The outpouring of grief, sympathy, and inappropriate humor! Oy vey.

Among my favorite comments today:

You don't look that bad.

I don't want to do a happy dance, either. I won't act joyful about losing my hair. I won't do that to the bald women who will follow me.

BUT, when those near strangers talk about me after I leave the room -- and they will -- I'd rather they talk about my courage and good humor. It's just easier that way.

I never used to know what people meant when they would praise my courage. I've heard about my courage quite a bit, and I've wondered what the alternative to being courageous would be.

I've come to understand that when folks talk about my bravery that they are really saying: "Thank you for not burdening me with your fear, because I'm afraid of getting cancer myself."

They want to know if I have a family history of breast cancer. They want to know if I smoke, and if I eat meat, and if I cut soy or added soy to my diet. They tell me about the latest news in breast cancer .... that alcohol consumption increases risk.

They want to believe that their healthy mothers and grandmothers can save them, but their genetics can't save them. Their diets can't save them, and their exercise can't save them. Even their 3 day walks can't save them and in their heart-of-hearts they know it.

The mutations and permutations and factor upon factor upon factor that makes up this disease -- these diseases, really -- are so complex! It's not random, but it's bigger than our ability to understand, predict, prevent, and cure.

So -- breast cancer will be a satellite that continues to fall from the sky. And healthy people will continue to be afraid. And I'll continue to do my best to have a good time. And I won't burden them with my fear.

And they are welcome. Honestly.