The Globe

People sure do think The Globe is highlarious. It makes me laugh that they laugh.

I haven't been blogging very much lately. I feel like I don't have anything to say. I love Eric and I have cancer and I love Eric. You've heard it all before.

Next week I'm having a bone scan, and the week after that I'm having a CT scan -- for the first time a CT scan that requires an IV infusion beforehand. I'm not pleased about any of it. I know what the results will be already. I feel the results in my bones and my lungs.

Eric loves me so much, and I love him so much. It's an old story. You've heard it before, god knows how many times.

Eric was sleeping on the couch tonight, and upon waking he apologized for not being more entertaining. I told him that he's more interesting to me as he sleeps than most people are when they're awake. It's true!

Bottom line is that I just like to look at him. I love him here with me, on whatever terms, just as I've always loved his snoring. If I can hear him snoring, he's alive and he's near me, and that's enough.

People speak of long-term marriage as being "comfortable" at best. They make it sound like an old shoe. I know they're just comparing it to the experience of falling in love, which is soooo wonderful and good. New love is exciting and inspiring and life-altering. You learn as much about each other you can, and as the details pile up it's like discovering new worlds.

But the thing is... even with all of the information that's gleaned from those first years of love, there's no way you can know what challenges you'll face, or who the person you so adore will be when faced with pain, or loss, or fear (your or theirs).

I loved Eric from earlyearly on. I loved him, and I trusted him. But how could I have anticipated how gracefully he'd handle his own physical problems? Eric's always in pain, but you wouldn't know it... and when he does talk about the pain in his arm and wrist, he almost always talks about his gratitude to have the use of his hand at all. If Eric were to complain and feel sorry, would I blame him? Nope. But he doesn't.

That's just one example, but there are many, many, more. There's comfort in marriage (sometimes, anyway) but it's not a boring old shoe.

I know that I'm just rambling...

In answer to the most common questions regarding The Globe:

No, they're not joking.

No, they're not married.

Yes, The Globes were given to the entire department.

(Tomorrow is Friday, thank you Jesus!)

Okay, Luana!

Luana asked for a picture of The Globe (see comment attached to last post). Well, here it is!



CN says that it reminds her of factories in China where workers are forced to display pictures of Chairman Mao.

I wouldn't go THAT far, but...

Wow.

Just a Tuesday.

I'm at work. Yesterday I was given a gift from the two directors of my department: a snow globe with their picture inside. Wow.

I'm cold, and I need coffee.

There's a lot to do. I should get started...

One workday down...

One hundred eighty nine to go.

Work yesterday was fine. I was running around, busybusy, training and meeting, and working until 7:00 PM at a highschool, discussing immunizations with parents.

Although I'm tired today, it was good to be back. Now I have to do it all again, but without that sense of dread.

1st Day

Eric showed up shortly after they'd started my IV yesterday. He had escaped from the meeting, and I was soooo happy to see him.

Today is the first official day of work. I'm not happy about it. I've been drawn into a ricidulous work drama, and it has me tied up in knots.

I've gone two years at this job -- which will surely be my LAST job -- without becoming embroiled in any workplace controversy. Work has been clean, and that's been a goodgood thing, what with so many challenges in the not-at-work world.

So now I'm going to this job with that icky I-don't-wanna-go feeling, for the first time ever.

I'm going to try very hard to focus my attention elsewhere.

Life is too short (for reals) to be griping about work.

Infusion Day

Today is the first time I've gone to the lovely Chemo Suite at Kaiser Arms without Eric. There were scheduling problems and I insisted that I didn't need him there. Boy, I'll never do that again!

Sunday

Good morning. It's the Lord's day but I'm only worshipping coffee.

Work tomorrow, and that's just wrong. Infusion and injections on Tuesday. More work on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

I wish I had some oomph for it -- there's soooooooooo much work to do in the beginning -- but I gots no oomph. I need to focus my attention elsewhere, but where shall I put it? Eric is, of course, the source of all goodness and light.

There's was more in the center of that paragraph but I can't type it. I can't continue this blog entry, because I did whatever it is one does to my keyboard so that I can backspace and type and have the rest of the text pushed forward -- it just covers up the text in front of the cursor. I hate that, and I can never remember how to put it back.

someone tell me how to fix it, or I'll never blog again.

(I heard the cheering. Not nice.)

Friday

I had coffee with NM yesterday, and I met Tom for lunch. It was good to see both of them.

I'm not sure what the plan is for today. First, I'll finish this coffee.

I don't want to talk about it.

I've been in a bad mood lately. It's a culmination of events, and it's a no-brainer.

I've spent many of these last short weeks of summer chasing something that I couldn't find. I'm not sure what -- it just wasn't there. I've been busybusy, but I've been in pain, and I haven't really and truly been doing what I wanted. Now what may be my last relatively "healthy" summer is over, and for all the miles I've logged I feel that it's somehow been squandered. Bummer, huh?

Work is looming -- I already feel behind, because I haven't gone in yesterday or today -- and I don't have the energy for the big start-of-the-year push. The first two months can make or break the year, and I just don't feel like I can do it. I know I'll find a way to make it work, but I don't even like thinking about it.

My ribcage hurts, my black and blue toe hurts, my clavicle hurts, my scapula hurts, my hip hurts...

We spent time in hospitals in Florida. Eric's father and grandmother were both in hospitals. They're both out now, although Bob is in a rehab facility.

I looked at these two people -- one in his early 70's, the other in her early 90's --- being moved from bed to wheelchair and wheelchair to bed, and I was so envious of them. Here they are, oldoldold, and alive and reading the paper and surrounded by people who love them. I'm going to die, soon, with Eric holding my hand, and knowing (if anything can penetrate the morphine fog) that I'm leaving the only person who ever loved me completely and unquestioningly and in a way that I could understand, with a ragged and tragicly broken heart.

I've been in a bad mood lately and I don't want to talk about it.

Here I Am

I'm home and I can't remember why I ever left, or why I wanted to come back. Go figure. I had planned on returning to work today, but I won't.

bleary

It's been so long since I've blogged that I've forgotten how. I'll close my eyes and forge ahead, but I'm so tired (it's two thirty in the morning here) that I might fall asleep.

I've been in pain... high profile ribcage pain during the cruise, and then I broke my toe upon our post cruise arrival here at Eric's parents' house.

I used to have stuff to say, but now I'm just sort of speechless. I'm sure I'll get over it.

We retunr hom tomorrow -- hallelulah.

Bahamas Bound

We're in Florida, where it's hot and humid and everywhere there are grey panthers... too tan 80 year old women dressed like teenagers.

We've seen oodles Eric's family... sister Caren, Flo and Bob, nephew Mike and brother in law John, and (of course) Nana.

Getting here was a trip in more ways than one -- we went to the wrong airport! can you believe that? I'd like to blame it on Janis (who was nice enough to drive us) but I'm afraid we told her SFO. Alas, our flight was in Oakland. Oh, well.

We leave for the cruise at 1:30 today.

That's our story, for now.

Florida

We're flying to Florida tonight. Janis is taking us to the airport, picking us up at 8:00 PM today.

When say I did nothing today, I mean nothing.

Tomorrow we leave for the Bahamas.

Busybusy.

Yawn

It's nice to be home and I'm a bit reluctant to leave again. Still, we're leaving tomorrow for Florida and the Bahamas.

I would like to sleep from now until then.

Winner!

The results are in, and I ranked 49th out of 600+ participants in the slot tournament. Had I done just a leeeetle bit better I would have been in the big money. As it was I won $100.00 plus bragging rights. AND... an awards presentation banquet! Woo hoo!

We have another night here at the The Atlantis.

It's our anniversary. Eric and I have been married for fourteen years today (and that's why the subject line is "winner").