Daytime

Cooking shows, Britney exposes, true crime stories, and "My teen wants to be a prostitute and have a baby" on Maury.

Oh, I wish I could work!

Just more.

There's just not much to say. More of the same, but mas amarillo y mas amarillo y mas amarillo. I look sick... like a junky or someone w/ hepatitis & limited Spanish who's stuck in a cheap Mexican hotel room for weeks on end. You know... like that.

Ugh

I don't feel well enough to write, talk, walk, sit up, breathe deeply, eat, read, or listen. My eyes are now yellowyellow, not just yellow-at-the-edges. My face is yellow, especially around my eyes and forehead, and my chest is yellow. The rest of me is yellow-ish.

I'm alone all day while Eric's at work. I'm lonesome but only for Eric. Just waiting to see what happens. Kinda squinting at it... looking through one eye.

I'm just mad about Saffron (Saffron's mad about me).

I was at work on Valentine's day, chit chatting in the graphics department while the nice folks there went out of their way to help me with a (for me) demanding project, when one of the designers told me that I looked yellow.

I looked at my arm suspiciously. I check for yellowness with some frequency as my liver is (as my oncologist put it) "going sour" and as he's stated on several occasions "when your liver goes you're up a creek."

I told the designer it was just the light. She looked up and pronounced the light blue. Doggone designers and their finely calibrated color instruments. Bah!

Still, if I was yellow, I was barely yellow. I thought I could even be tricking myself into seeing yellow.

I had an appointment to have blood drawn from my port for tests that afternoon. Was there ever a finer Valentine tradition? The chemo nurse gazed into my eyes and pronounced me yellow, and I figured that was that. Jaundice it was, and this time I'm not just talking about my attitude. All that was left was the waiting, and my hyper-efficient HMO emailed me within two hours.

Bilirubin is a brownish yellow substance found in bile. It's produced when the liver breaks down old red blood cells. When bilirubin levels are high, the skin and whites of the eyes may appear yellow, or jaundiced. In cancer patients with liver tumors, jaundice can be caused by liver failure or a blocked bile duct.

My bilirbubin levels had always been within a normal range, meaning .3 or .4 or .5. My blood test came back as 5.1 -- a high level of toxicity.

At that point I figured myself "up a creek". I emailed my doctor, who responded very quickly, and he seemed to agree. He didn't disagree, anyway, and asked to see me the next morning.

Which brings me to today.

To make a long story shortish... I may not be up a creek just yet. I'm certainly yellow... more yellowed than yesterday, for sure... but it may not be because of disease progression but instead a nasty side effect of my current (now former) chemo regimen.

Now there's just waiting and seeing. Eric and I left town this afternoon. As much as I love our home, I needed to see something different. As sick as I feel, I'm glad we did.

For a bit & a while I figured myself for dead in a month or two. That seemed like a realistic timeframe. I wasn't anxious or scared, but I was sad.

But for now I'm feeling optimistic. I think there's more time than that... I think this isn't a worst case scenario.

No guarantees, of course. I was going to say "for any of us, ever", but that's not true. I feel 100% certain of Eric and his goodness. That's what I'm guaranteed, and I'll take it.

Sigh

Tired.

The cancer ladies are excited about a new project. They've decided that women with stage IV breast cancer are invisible in the media, and they're going to remedy that by making a quilt.

One of them suggested a logo for the project: a pink ribbon hanging on a cross. The motto: Hanging on Hope.

She thought some might find it "too religious", though.

They might.

Oh, I'd give anything to belong to a different club.

Monday

Very slow and tired weekend but it was nice to have visitors -- Jane on Saturday and Lisa on Sunday.

Today's a day off from work. Thank you, President Lincoln.

Watched 60 Minutes last night and couldn't believe that Katie Couric asked Hillary Clinton for her health tips... how DOES she stay looking so good? And then asked her if it was true that the boys in highschool called her The Refrigerator. Sheesh.

I love the word "alchemy".

I thought I'd avoided the TBS (Terrible Burning Stomach) when I went to bed at 11:00 PM, but it woke me up a few minutes ago. Not as bad as it's been in the past, but bad enough. At worst it makes me clutch my abdomen and cry for three hours or so.

I dunno, kids. I'm beat. I went to work for two hours on Tuesday, four hours on Wednesday. It was good to clear my desk a bit and to talk to people. I'm glad I went, but can I go tomorrow (today)? Another sleepless night and pain and feeling sick. I can't picture it.

For the first time I've spoken seriously with Eric about what it would be like to stop treatment. They'd keep me comfortable -- probably pretty foggy, I think. But the thought of being kept comfortable... what strange alchemy is this? Is it possible? Would I just sleep all the time? I don't think I'd mind sleeping all the time if this pain would stop.

I'll finish this round of chemo. Two more days of pills. Then Ill speak with my oncologist and see if anything... anything... anything... can make me feel better. So tired. So over it. Done.

NotherDay

Last night I was thinking about what I'd do if I felt good for a day. I thought & thought about it, but the answer wasn't difficult to find. If I could feel good for one day I'd walk & walk in the sunshine with Eric. And I'd have a picnic, and I'd eat fruit and bread and cheese. I'd kiss Eric, because kissing isn't first priority when you're queasy for a month or two at a time.

It sounds so much like puppy dogs and rainbows and I hate that stuff. I hate sounding so wistful and that my dreams are so small, but there it is. It feels huge. Walking and sunshine and Eric. And I'd laugh and I'd want to talk to each one of my friends and laugh with them, too.

I swear I'd trade the last five months for one day. But there's no magic and no trades.

Well..

I'm just hanging in there. Still waiting for something better!