Good morning!

Eric isn't going to Asilomar for the annual mathematics conference this weekend.
It's the first year in I-don't-know-how-many that he hasn't attended. His stated reason is that he's been away for the last four weekends, and would like to spend a few days at home. I believe that's true. I also think he doesn't want to leave me.

This is the weekend that I typically have an I Gots No Man Party. It's fallen off in recent years, but it used to be a consistent tradition.

Occasionally someone will miscontrue the intent of an I Gots No Man Party. They'll think it's something like, "Hey, I gots no man... WOO HOO! Let's party!" when really it's more like "Oh, no, I gots no man... boo hoo... come to my house so I don't sit around being depressed and eating ritz crackers for dinner."

The recipe for a good I Gots No Man Party can be found below:

Yosemite

Here we are! There were pretty fall leaves on the trees.



The waterfalls and rivers were just barely running.

Home is good.

I really do love my home. I love my home, and I love Oakland. Eric and I often find ourselves acting as Oakland Boosters when we're out in the world. Some folks think that Oakland is still the murder capital of the United States, as is was in the seventies. Some folks think of Oakland as a vast ghetto.

One woman on the cruise, upon hearing that we are from Oakland, said, "This must be so nice for you then, to not be in Oakland."

These sorts of comments make me launch into a brow beating speech -- half pro-Oakland, half anti-whoever made the comment. The first thing I say is that I love Oakland, and that if I had to name one thing I love most, it would be the ethnic and cultural diversity. This skewers them, typically. Because what they really mean is: Oh. You must be surrounded by blacks and mexicans.

Maybe happy people think that there's something wonderful about where they live, and that's why I love Oakland, and dislike Long Beach. Maybe some of the magic comes from the life I've had here, rather than Oakland's intrinsic wonderfulness.

Still, I can't sit and listen to some woman from Utah (for God's sake) diss my hometown.

Off to work now... wish I had another day off!

We're home!

It's been a long day. Vacation was great, and it's also nice to be home.

Thanksgiving

We're in Puerto Vallarta, and I've tapped into some sort of free wireless network. I don't know whose it is, or if they're currently rifling through the contents of my harddrive, looking for sense sea tive information. I'm just so gald to check email!

The cruise is swell. We're winning all of the games and swimming in the ocean. We spent much of the day today hanging out by the UV-protection glassed pool while our cruisemates explored Puerto Vallarta. I'm just sunned-out, I think.

Cruise life continues. Activities and swimming, eating and napping. The show in the big theater last night included a black-light puppet show and Argentinian lasso-ing (or some variation of that). Tonight there's a thankgiving dinner in the main dining room, a comedy duo in the theater, a poolside barbecue at 10:00 and then a late night poolside dance party.

It's a little strange to be away on Thanksgiving, but we're having a nice day.

Monday Morning

It's our first morning of the cruise, although I don't know when I'll be able to post this.

I'm so glad we're here. Eric is at the pool, and I'm resting in the cabin after our ballroom dancing lesson this morning. The class was very fun, and funny -- it's taught by a couple in their seventies, and there was much laughing. Eric didn't step on my feet at all.

We boarded yesterday afternoon, ate lunch, and explored the ship. It's very pretty. The public areas have the ambience of a "nice", marble-y, shiny, hotel. I was surprised and happy to find lots of holiday decorations. There are gorgeous Christmas trees around every corner in the public areas, and each decorated differently. The balconies in the atrium are decorated with garlands and ribbons. It's all pretty and polished.

Our cabin is more than adequate... surprisingly roomy, even if it's decorated in Long Island Art Deco circa 1993.

And then there's the ocean... miles and miles of it, sparkling blue, and last night the moon on the water was haunting and lovely.

I'm just so glad to be here. I'm so glad that we made it, despite all of the obstacles that were thrown in our path.

We ate in the formal dining room last night -- I had an onion tart, Tuscan tomato soup with a drizzle of pesto, and a chicken breast stuffed with prociutto and brie, with a red pepper and fruit relish. Our table is a large, 12-person, rectangular table, which is certainly not our preference, but the folks at our table are all nice enough.

After dinner we went to the show. It was an introductory affair, with a number by the ship's singers and dancers, several songs by the activities co-director (tHe position is held by a couple), and then a set by a comedian of the skinny-twitchy-ski-slope-nosed variety.

THEN we entered our first trivia contest of the cruise, and of course won first prize!

Today I didn't wake up until after 8:00 AM! We ate breakfast at the buffet, and then went off to the ballroom dancing lesson.

When Eric returns from the pool we're heading off to another trivia contest, then I'm going to check out Arts and Crafts.

Today is an at sea day. We won't be getting into Cabo San Lucas until tomorrow morning. Tonight is the captain's reception -- cocktails, hor doeuvres, and dancing -- and then a formal dinner.

I like crusie ships, and I like camping. I like going to Reno, and playing in craps tournaments, and staying up all night playing slots. I like lying on the beach and reading books. I like going for walks in the forest. I like driving across empty, flat, states with big skies and small populations. I like being on vacation, and that's something that Eric taught me how to do.

It always comes back to Eric. Always, always.

First: I'm Fine.

Well... day one of vacation is drawing to an end.  By the time we had driven down to San Pedro -- a stone's throw from Long Beach, which kinda gives me the creeps -- I had developed a VERY tender right hand and arm, with a bright red stripe running along a vein!

 

After speaking with an advice nurse, we were given an appointment at urgent care in beautiful Harbor City, California, where I was diagnosed with phlebitis w/ infection.

 

It appears to be a reaction to the 2 hour infusion I had on Monday.

 

Anyway... it hurts, but I was given an injection of antibiotics, a prescription for oral antibiotics, and I was okayed for the cruise.

 

I will go on this cruise if I have to crawl... and I might have to crawl!

 

Our hotel room is very nice... a luxury suite with one of those lovely, big, deep, bathtubs, and a living room with a comfy couch and chairs.

 

My husband is very nice... a luxury spouse with lots of those lovely, big, deep, hugs.

 

I don't feel hale and hearty.  I feel weak and pathetic, to tell the truth.  But I'm still so happy to be here.  I'm happy to be here and I'm happy to be HERE.

 

Let's hope this is my last trip to a doctor while on vacation. 

 

 

Busybusy

It's Friday, and I've come to understand that I won't be caught up at work before the Thanksgiving break... that I probably won't be caught up until the end of the school year. It seems crazy, I know, but it's true. I've been in denial.

I'm leaving work today for an appointment at 3:00 PM for an injection of a new drug. Hopefully it will have limited side effects -- it should.

Packing tonight and off to San Pedro tomorrow. Driving, if you can imagine!

It gives me fevah.

I didn't feel better "tomorrow", as I hoped in my last entry. Yesterday went by in a fog of fever, hovering around 101. I was headachey and chilled and feeling pretty pathetic. But this morning my temperature is 98.5 and I'm heading into work.

I'm just ridiculously behind at work. It's not that anyone's going to die, or a child's going to miss a meal, if I'm behind at work. But... I like my job, and I like the people I work with, and I feel bad that I'm so far behind.

I hope the fever stays away. A fever or nausea are about the only things that would keep me from leaving for the cruise on Saturday. It's hard to switch my thinking into cruise mode. I need to be concerned with making sure that I have run-free stockings, and a pedicure, and outfits for the formal and semi-formal nights.... but, really, it's hard to focus on those things.

Next weekend, while Eric and I are (hopefully) cruising back from Mexico, my sister-in-law is having a 25th wedding anniversary party/retirement party for her husband. I couldn't go, because I'm too envious. I think the people who know me best know that I'm not a jealous person -- I don't think there's a limited amount of good stuff in the universe, and that if someone else gets an extra portion, then there's less goodness left for ME.

Still, I couldn't go.

Maybe it's a combo pak... wedding anniversary, retirement, and all of the far-flung family with well meaning and awkward comments.

Time to go!

Sigh.

Ick. The drug they gave me yesterday is now kicking my ass -- fever, achiness, chills, general foul humor (maybe that's not the drug) and blechiness.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Three days without internet access.

Better get caught up!

Yosemite was beautiful. The weather was crisp and clear -- bundle up weather, with no rain -- and there were gorgeous fall leaves still on the trees. I've always been there in season, along with all of the other tourists. This time the crowds weren't overwhelming, and it was nice to see the park in a different light.

We went on walks, listened to a lecture on crows and ravens, went on a ranger walk about trees. Then on Sunday we drove home, ran errands and rested, and then went to the city, where we met folks for dinner to celebrate Eric's birthday. Forty-seven years old, and three hundred percent more handsome than the next most handsome man... those are some fine statistics.

I worry that I complain too much in this blog. Complain too much for what, you may ask? Well, that's a good question, and I don't have an answer. I don't know. It's just my sense of things.

It feels ungrateful. If I write about the bad stuff, am I giving all of the good stuff short shrift?

On Saturday night in Yosemite I tripped and fell onto my hands and knees. My advise to you: if you have a broken clavicle, and cancer in your sternum, don't trip and fall onto your hands and knees.

I can't string together the words that will tell this story. It wasn't the worst fall in the world. It wasn't horrible or anything. I was reassuring Eric, whose heart had jumped into his throat, before I even got off the ground. I don't know how to say what I want to say. It's two in the morning, and I'm dying by drips and drabs.

I'll drop it.

I'm leaving work a little after noon today, to go to Kaiser for my 90-minute infusion. I keep forgetting to drink water, so that I have nice veins for the nice nurses in the chemotherapy suite.

I'll drop that.

In five days I'm leaving for Los Angeles and a cruise to Mexico. A lot to do between now and then.

November has been a busy month, and it's getting busier all the time.

Eric was 29 when I met him. (I thought he was kinda old.) He was handsome and tan and carefree. He had the sweetest smile, and he was just so.... bitchin'. He knew things, and he could do things -- he was capable and playful, hooked up, dialed in, and and so cool that he wasn't a bit worried about playing the fool. I'd never met anyone like him, and I haven't since.

On Tuesday I'll have shared 18 birthdays with Eric, who has lost his dark brown tan, and who definitely has cares, and who is more handsome to me than I ever could have imagined then. He's still the bitchingest person I know. Eighteen birthdays is a beggar's ration of birthdays to me now. There could never be enough years to be with Eric. (Sappy, yes... but it's true.)

Fun Stuff

Thank god it's Friday.   It's OUR Friday, at least.   Eric and I have tomorrow off, and we're going to Yosemite for the three day weekend.  I reserved a cabin for this weekend almost a year ago!

 

Here's a link to a live web cam image of half dome: http://yosemite.org/vryos/sentinelcam.htm

 

We won't be doing any mountain climbing or long hikes, but the park is always gorgeous, and we'll go on walks and sit and look and read books and so on.

 

Being with Eric is the best part, as always.

 

What the oncologists suggested.

My oncologist's recommendations were very similar to those of the 2nd opinion oncologist (who I spoke with first). It's a long story, and the details aren't important. In short, I will begin taking a drug called Aredia, starting on Monday. Aredia is a drug that strengthens bones, and makes them less likely to fracture.

It is administered monthly by a 90 minute to two hour infusion. It's generally well tolerated -- that's what the doctors say. I know quite a few women who don't concur, but perhaps they are the exceptions. This is not what folks think of as chemotheraphy. This is a drug to strengthen bones.

In addition, I will be taking a drug called goserelin (zoladex), which is administered via monthly abdominal injection. Goserelin stops the production of leuteinising hormone from the pituitary gland, which leads to a reduction in estrogen levels. Is it starting to read like adults sound on Charlie Brown sound? Wah wah wah WAH wah WAH wah wah.

I wll continue with an aromatase inhibitor, such as the drug I'm already taking, armidex.

So - I'm continuing with hormonal therapy. My doctor cautions that I am unlikely to respond to hormonals. However, it appears that my ovarian function was not adequately suppressed with Lupron (although my oncologist previously told me it WAS... another long story). Better to give hormonal's a fair trial than to rush to chemotherapy.

Hormonal therapy it is ... along with the bone strenthening drug. Most likely side effects of the whole combo-pak: fatigue, headaches, bone pain, nausea, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Again, this treatment is palliative, not curative. It's hard for me to get excited about this. But, anyway, that's what the oncologists suggested.

Twosdays

I'm going to work late today, on accounta I have an appointment with my onc this morning at 9:00 AM. He'll tell me what treatment plan he's dreamed up, and I'll tell him (or he will have already read... perhaps) what my 2nd opinion had to say about treatment.

It's not dreadful, but it's not fun, either.

First, though, we go to vote.

That's all I have to report.

I did better than 96 people.

I am no longer Reno's highest ranking female craps player. I am Reno's third highest ranking female craps player. Still -- the tournament was great fun, and I came in at a respectable 16th place. I was 16th of 112 finalists.

It was nice to see a woman come in 3rd place, although I was scandalized by her lack luster tip to the dealers. I'm always scandalized by the tipping, but particularly in a finals tournament, which is completely comped to the participants. One person won $1,000.00, and didn't tip at all. The 3rd place winner (and this year's highest ranking woman) won $1,250. and gave a $30.00 tip. She didn't even give them the fifty!

I won $100.00 - would have won $200.00 if I'd come in one place higher. But it's not the money I wanted -- I wanted the bragging rights! Reno's third highest ranking female craps player just doesn't have the same ring to it.

But the tournament is over. The fun has stopped. I have a cold. It's ugly. I have a Throat of Fire.

I'm at work. I'm auditing immunizations. I'm tired.

That's all, folks.

Every Player's Paradise

We love the Atlantis Casino and Resort, Every Player's Paradise. I competed in the first round of the finals tournament today. I did okay -- I was second at my table. Overall the scores didn't seem to be very high for round one. Anything can happen in round two, of course. I don't even care about being in the money... I just want to the highest ranking woman, with bragging rights for another year!

Eric and I are both "up" in regular gambling, as well. I haven't done my accounting (a running tally of wins and losses, to the penny) since my last round of play, but I'm approximately $250.00 ahead. Winning money is fun, but even losing is fun at the Atlantis Casino and Resort. My biggest win was a $300.00 slot machine jackpot. I also played a new table game this trip: Let It Ride, a game of chance masquerading as a poker game.

Eric graded papers today and I worked on a mosaic. The Atlantis Casino and Resort really is our home away from home!

They should really put me on the payroll. But I guess it'd just be WORK, then.

Off to go gamble...

Almost Outta Here

I'm sooooo psyched to be going to the Atlantis Casino and Resort, Every Players Paradise,  this weekend.  In fact, I'm leaving work at 1:30 -- which is only forty-five minutes from now.

 

Eric volunteered to make me a dice-topped tiara, as I was the highest ranking woman craps player last year.  He told me it would be tasteful.  I declined the offer.

 

CN has been talking to me non-stop for several hours.  She's talking to me now.  "But he's nice... he's not arrogant... at that shareholder meeting I went to they wanted to give him a ten percent raise...."

 

I have no idea who she's talking about.  That's the level at which I ignore her.

 

"The company never paid a dividend, ever."

 

La la la la la la la... I am completely oblivious.

 

"These are old America products, and old companies.  Omaha, Nebraska is really a different kind of place."

 

What on earth is she talking about?  I haven't a clue.

 

I can't wait to get to the Atlantis!  And first... quality time with Eric in the car!  It hardly gets better than that.

 

 

Beggar Walking

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I didn't have cancer. I do. I wish I didn't have cancer.

I felt like a healthy woman when I finished radiation three years and four months ago. I felt pretty good... celebratory, even. I'd recovered from surgery, and I'd been a brave little chemo soldier who rarely complained or missed a day of work. I had a radiation burn, a good half inch of hair, and no evidence of disease in my body.

I knew that even if "cured" wasn't a word that could (or should) be applied to people who'd had breast cancer, that it could still be physical reality. I stood a fair chance of dying of something other than breast cancer, hopefully at an advanced age.

I finished radiation today, but I'm sick and tired and not the slightest bit celebratory. My collar bone hurts, and doesn't seem to be getting better. I still can't raise my arm. The radiation oncologist tells me that there's absolutely no way to assess if the radiation was effective in killing the cancer cells in my clavicle, which has now had its lifetime maximum exposure to radiation.

These weeks of worry feel like months, and there are no scenarios that will allow me to live out a long life with Eric, and grow old with him, and anything short of that sucks.

I guess it's nice to not have to drive to Hayward for the treatments. I guess it's good that it's over. I don't know. It's not like it was before -- nothing is like what it was before.

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I didn't have cancer. This wish is worth absolutely nothing. This wish and three dollars will buy you a venti nonfat latte. Wishes aren't horses, and there's no going back, and all I can do is appreciate what I have. I wish I didn't have cancer. I wish I didn't have cancer. I wish.

Wednesday and I'm working. I had fun at my mosaics class last night, but I'm awfully tired today. Two more rads left -- today and tomorrow. Eric and I are leaving work early on Friday for Reno, where I'll be a finalist in a craps tournament.

My skin is starting to blister and my throat is getting sore. Not so bad other than that.

I like to have Eric close to me.

There's no downside to being married to the man who is 300% more handsome than the next most handsome man.

I'd like to keep him in my pocket. (I wish we were home, sleeping, now.)