Another walk down the hill to Kaiser

On the recommendation of my oncologist I have an appointment with my surgeon today. First, how freaky is it that I have an oncologist and a surgeon?

I would like the surgeon to laugh me out the office, saying, "Are you kidding me? That's NOTHING!" So if you could hold that thought today, I'd appreciate it.

On another note.... I don't want to get all Hallmark or Family Circle or Chicken Soup or anything, but I do have some advice from the wrong side of a cancer screening, and it's this:

If you own any scratchy clothing -- shirts made from itchy linen or prickley wool -- or clothing with tags that cause discomfort and poke you and can't be fixed.... THROW THEM OUT.

Life is too short to engage in clothes masochism. I don't care how cute you look in that woolen tunic and tights, either.

Missing Summer

Today is Eric's first day back with students. Talk about an energy drain!

Eric and I are not old and we're not young. We're somewhere in the middle and the middle has been rough on both of us. I've never wanted to go back in time -- never longed for my youth -- because life has always gotten better and better for me.

I suppose it doesn't matter, anyway, since we can't go back.

At my next set up scans they could find that there's been lot's of progression. I could have, say, 18 months of uncomfortable life ahead of me. Or, over the course of many years I could be progression -free or show little progression, and I could live the next 5 years with a good quality of life.

It's impossible to know which scenario will play out, and that's an interesting place to be. Do I have years or a year? Will like be okay or will be totally hard?

I'm still figuring out how to fit all of these questions into my daily routine of work, sleep, and (always, always) loving Eric.

Easy like Sunday morning

Eric and I went to a party on Friday. It was a birthday party for one of Eric's co-workers -- a young woman who was turning thirty. Eric and I were two of the oldest (if not THE oldest) people there.

There was a young woman there who was very, very, friendly.... like, eager puppy friendly... who asked us lots of personal questions about how we met, what our wedding was like, et cetera. Her husband, who looked like the lanky fella from Scooby Doo, was in charge of music. He looked like he was 16, with semi-beard and baggy clothes.

Turns out that this woman and her husband are physicians, completing their residency in San Francisco. They are cardiologists. Boy, do I feel O - L - D old.

I'm drinking coffee, Eric's reading the paper, and we're waiting for Jane to come over this morning. I can't believe it's Sunday already. Yikes!

It feels so early!

Today is Eric's first official day back at work. Monday is his first day with students. Eric's job requires much more energy and effort than mine. For the first few weeks, in particular, he has to set the tone for the year. It's hard to recover if you start the year in a less authoritative position.

Our calenders fill so quickly. Busy, busy. Everyone knows that times speeds up as we get older. They yap about it all the time at the district office. Each school year accelerates and the days (seasons, years) fly by like so many fiery comets.

I want the giant heel of God to fall out of the celestial go cart and start dragging the universe into a major slow down.

I don't even care when. God could extend the most benign moment, and I'd be thrilled. Three months to tie my shoe laces? Fine. A 20-minute commute turned into something turtle-like and two days? Fine. Just slow it down.

Gots to go to work....

Work day 189 of 190

I miss summer already!

My first official day back was just fine, but I'd rather be on vacation. I've been reviewing immunization compliance at all of the schools. Things look better than I'd anticipated. I was so distracted at the end of last year that I've been concerned that I didn't leave my ducks in a row.

Happily, my ducks are in a row.

NM has been in the office but CN isn't expected until tomorrow. It's disconcerting (to say the least) to have a nurse hovering around you, waiting for you to keel over dead. I hope she's gotten over that.

School Days, School Days

Today's my first official day of work. It seems that I will be late for my first official day of work.

It's a strange thing. The impulse is to bemoan this day, and to think: well, only 190 work days and then I'll be free for another fabulous summer.

This really lends new meaning to "wishing your life away". At the end of this school year I'll have lived for approximately one quarter of the remaining days my onocologist predicted for me. It was an off-the-cuff-prediction. It's all a shot in the dark. Still...

Also: I would like the world to tuck cotton around Eric today. Whatever it is you do -- prayers, white light, good thoughts -- let's pump up the jam for Mr. Price, who's as worried, scared, and sad as I am (and sometimes more).

Psychic Healers of the Phillipines Can Kiss My Motherfucking Ass

Sometimes I wish that someone could comfort me. Eric makes life easier and infinitely more joyful than it would be without him. Eric makes the worst situation bearable and the best situation better. Eric is constant and unshakeable and I love him with all of my heart. I loved him with all of my broken heart, when I met him... and now I love him with the full heart that he -- really -- healed.

Still, I want someone to tell me something both true and hopeful about my future.

I'm grateful for the women I talk to who share this disease. They're the ones who get it. They understand balancing act between fear and productivity. The know that quality of life isn't just a catchy phrase. I'm not grateful to all the people my friends know who had some other disease, and who are now "cured". I'm not grateful for all of the people who had cancers with very low long term survival rates who survived. A very low long term survival rate is different from NO long term survival.

I'm not grateful for the opportunities I have to tell people that I'm dying. It's not easy to say and it doesn't comfort me to say it. I don't want to have to tell anyone more than once.

Anyone who thinks they could have cancer better than me -- with more hope, vigor, or willingness to try alternative therapies -- is welcome to try. Honestly, though, I hope they don't have to. Because it sucks. And it kills you.

Really.

I can't believe I start work for reals on Tuesday.

Working this week has been just fine. I've spent most of my time pouring over students' registrations, checking to see if they've met immunization requirements.

I'm just tired, though!

Sara didn't make the cut at the American Idol audition, but she came away with interesting stories 'bout how it all works. Last night Eric, Valentine, Sara, and I went to the Alley along with Mr. Tom Silva. It was fun but a late night for me.

Tonight we expect Graham and Leah to arrive. Tomorrow night we expect my brother Paul and neice Rosemary to arrive.

As for me... I'm off to work soon.

Sleepy me!

I went to see my oncologist today -- nothing dramatic or important. The waiting room was full of sad looking people. Imagine!

One woman's name was called and she stood to follow the nurse back into the examination room area. Several feet down the hall she looked over her shoulder, turned, and said, "Are you coming?"

Her husband grumblemumbled, "I guess so," and joined her.

Tonight we will have a houseguest. Valentine is Leah's mother. She's in town to support her daughter Sara (Leah's sister), who is standing in line tonight to audition for American Idol tomorrow. I hope she makes it!

Tomorrow night both Valentine and Sara will be staying with us.

I am tired. I am deeply, deeply, tired. There's nothing else I can say that will carry as much truth as those words, so I think I'll call it a night.

Tuesday

Working yesterday wasn't so bad. I'm going in today, as well. There's plenty to do.

Eric and I spent almost every moment (waking and sleeping) together this summer. Truly, we've never spent so many hours together, and we've spent a lot of hours together.

Still, I miss him and I'm sad that we have to start working and stop hanging out. I just can't get enough of that fella. I'd give up anything to be healthy again. I'd crawl to the far ends of the earth. But I wouldn't give up Eric. I'd rather die at 40 with him than live to be 100 without him.

I'm off to work again today. I'm not sure when the nurses get back, but I think it could be today. I'll give a full report of CN when she arrives.

CT Scan Results

I went to work today. I don't officially start until the 23rd but there's plenty to do in preparation for the beginning of the year.

I spoke with my oncologist tonight about my ct scan results. No change in the cancer in my sternum (none expected so quickly anyway), no change in my lungs, and a decrease in the size of my lymph nodes. Unless I have unusual symptoms before then, I'll have another ct scan in four months.

That's the story!

Feels like fall today.

I've been buying Back to School clothes. I've liked doing this, even though I'm not "a shopper". It's some kind of a throwback to childhood, but now I have my own money and no one telling me what kind of shoes to buy. It feels like progress.

For me, Autumn has always been a combo-pak of happiness and sentimentality and melancholy. This year, of course, it's hard to avoid The Countdown.

In a way this feels incredibly petty to me. Everyone's dying, and some folks die very quickly. We all know someone (or at least of someone) who was diagnosed with cancer and was gone three months later. We all are familiar with folks who died suddenly of strokes or heart attacks or unfortunate accidents.

Yet here I am, going on & on ...

Really, though, all I want is to be with Eric. The two of us, side by side, in 10, 15, 20, 25 years. Facing the same direction, looking out into the world, and holding hands. Anything other than that just doesn't seem fair.

Friday Morning

Breast cancer message boards have a steady trickle of contributors who die. Some of the more active boards probably average about one woman a week.

They will suddenly become less active on the board. They'll stop responding to other people's posts, but will drop in a few times with their own updates: tumor markers rising, scraping the bottom of the chemo barrel, pain quite bad and wondering if anyone has tried a different pain med...

Soon another woman from the board, who is in phone contact the woman and/or her family, starts posting updates. Angela's in the hospital, please send prayers. Infection under control, but Angela's still weak. Angela appreciates the cards, and hopes to be back on her feet soon. Angela's husband says that it's time for hospice, and thanks you for the prayers.

A few weeks later there's a post from her husband or sister: Thank you all. You gave her so much support and it meant a great deal to her.

There's a small movement afoot to change the language that is used to describe metastatic breast cancer. There are women who have been told by their physicians that what they have is a "chronic" condition -- as opposed to a terminal condition.

Needless to say, these women hold this thought very close to their hearts, despite the fact that it's not true. I don't think many people with diabetes would be lining up to trade places with women with bone and liver mets.

There are other women who believe that a cure is just around the corner. They believe it even more strongly than endtimers think the rapture'll be in their lifetime.

Anyway... whatever you call it... Darlene Weaver died yesterday. Her sister says her passing was peaceful and in the arms of her loving husband.

My Kingdom for a Latte

Because I'm having a ct scan today I'm unable to drink coffee this morning. This is interfering with the quality of my life.

The scan will indicate if my current treatment has been effective. If there's less evidence of cancer, or if it's stayed the same, then I'll continue with the same hormonl treatment (lupron and arimidex).

If the cancer has grown, I will be said to have failed arimidex. That's how they phrase it: we fail the drugs, the drugs don't fail us. If I have failed arimidex, no new hormonal therapies will be tried.

With no hormonal therapies in the bag-of-tricks, my choices would be limited to chemotherapy and radiation (rads for pain management). I have no idea what chemo would be tried first, and I'm not sure that I'd even embark on a chemotherapy journey while I still feel pretty good. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, all I want is a ct scan and a cup of coffee, thank you very much!

Here are a few pics from recent days:


Muir Woods has some taaaaaall trees.


Yoko and Luana at the Blackjack Tournament awards ceremony, where Luana won a cool $100.00.

Home

When we're traveling west on 80, heading home from a trip, we start getting excited as we pass through American Canyon. There are few, brief, glimpses of the bay, and then we drop down into a few miles of freeway before we cross the Zampa Bridge into the Bay Area. The bay is always beautiful, and we feel like we're home.

No matter how long or short a trip it's been, or how much we've enjoyed ourselves, we're always happy to be home.

The blackjack tournament was fun. I won $50.00 in the tourney and Luana won $100.00. Eric, Yoko, Luana, and I all had a good time -- and we got in lots of quality blackjack time.

Our summer is winding to a close. If I were healthy, I would be very happy. I'd be thinking to myself: I only have to work 187 days, and then I get to have another wonderful summer with Eric! I would have the illusion of having endless summers.... or, perhaps, I'd be thinking that sure, my time was limited, but not that limited.... my death inevitable, but somewhere in a murky distant future, along with the "right" time to have a baby. Sometime, for sure, but just not now.

It's time to start thinking about how, exactly, I'm going to make it through this school year. The only effective distraction from cancer has been travel. I don't know how to live day to day within the context of work, my summers metered out by stingy gods.

Sometimes I am stunned at how impossible it is to believe that I am dying.

Every Player's Paradise

I love the Atlantis Casino and Resort. My latest accounting indicates that I've lost forty dollars... but who cares? We've had hours and hours of gambling fun, Eric had a lovely swim, and we both enjoyed a complimentary buffet right here in the super lux comfort of The Atlantis.

They've left two little bottles of Saint Brendan's Irish Cream Liqueur and two small brandy snifters in our room, and tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM I have my first round of play in the blackjack tournament.

It's all such a pleasure.

I hooked up with Luana for an hour or so on the casino floor, but I think it'll be an early night for all us.

Yesterday's play, Cyrano de Bergerac, was enjoyable. It was nice to see friends there... Tom, Lisa, Janis, and Elizabeth. I sure was tired, though.

I've been soooo exhausted, so naturally I'm leaving today for Reno, where I'll be participating in a blackjack tournament. Luana and Yoko will also be there.

Off to drink coffee...

The latest.

Yesterday we went for a walk in Muir Woods. You sure don't have to travel thousands of miles to see beautiful landscape 'round here. The short walk pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the day.

Today we're going to see a play in the park... Cyrano de Bergerac. I think it'll be quiet until then.

I have a slow dial up, too.

That's why I offer the following link to pictures of our roadtrip with the following warning: It'll be slow, folks.

Roadtrip 2005

G'morning

I've been tired and discombobulated. I've had twenty minutes of okay-ness followed by hours of hazy, vaguely-nauseated, hooey.

But today is the day I'm determined to catapault (or limp, or crawl) myself into a full recovery. I believe the key to be fresh air.

I don't know why I should try to memorize Eric's hands. I believe as strongly now as I ever did that death is almost certainly a brick wall and a void. I don't believe I need to tuck away any precious memories for the journey to oblivion.

I don't know how many of you I've told my theories about dead people over the years. Not surprisingly, I do have my theories... and for a woman with 5 crates of Christmas ornaments in her basement, they're surprisingly unsentimental.

I'll have to go into it later, though.

Is this Tuesday or Wednesday?

I am feeling much better, thank you, although still not 100%. Yesterday Eric and I ventured out to the grocery store and to the movies. We saw "Must Love Dogs", because I didn't want to see anything intense or violent or action-packed. It was none of those things. There were a few cute moments but overall it wasn't a big winner for me.

Still, it was nice to be out, and wonderful to be in Bay Area climate (temperature and citizenry-wise).

I checked in with my Christian friends last night -- I hadn't spoken with them since long before we left on our roadtrip -- and I have this nugget of wisdom to share with you from David, 50 year old book store owner, and father of three adult children:

Just think if the South would have won [the Civil War]....they would have gotten rid of slavery anyway (not the real reason for the war anyhow), and probably the Confederate nation would not have abortion, and half the other social liberal crap of the North.

When the conversation turned to state flowers, mottos, et cetera, this is what Ren -- a 40 year old former Airforce wife and mother of a 17 year old in Seattle, WA -- offered by way of explanation for California's state motto:

that's what the immigration officials say to the undocumented aliens....."You reeka!"

To which Maggie, a single woman with three teenage sons who works and goes to college at night, responds with:

Ren nah..they just tell them to go apply for food stamps

I have nothing to add to their commentary.

Good morning, America.

"President Bush said Monday he believes schools should discuss ''intelligent design'' alongside evolution when teaching students about the creation of life."

Sigh.

Some homecoming!

Eric and I spent Friday night at my brother's house in Eugene, OR. We drove home on Saturday, and at about 3:00 AM on Sunday morning I was overcome with a terrible gaunch -- flu-like symptoms and noooo fun. Really, I haven't been sick like that since I don't know when. Today I am feeling less ill but definitely weak and tired.

That's all the news from Oakland, California.

Oh, except that today's our wedding anniversary. Thirteen years married to the most wonderful person I've ever known... so can I really complain?