Jesus can kiss my ass.

I am writing to you from the Atlantis Casino and Resort, Every Player's Paradise, where things are happening. If I'm not ranked first in the slot tournament (so far) I'm at least close -- certainly no one in the first four rounds of the first session beat me. Two more rounds tomorrow and keep your fingers crossed!

Plus, Lisa won the 1,000 credit jackpot on Wheel of Fortune! That's $250 dollars (plus more wins on the same machine) that have completely paid for her three-night-plus-slot-tournament adventure at the lovely, exciting and yet relaxing, Atlantis Casino and Resort.

Also, I am tired. I haven't blogged about it here, because it's not wholly my story. We arrived home from Seattle on Wednesday, and I had my treatment on Thursday morning. AT 5:00 AM Friday morning we drove to Sacramento to be there when my sister had surgery. I am deeply saddened to say that she has breast cancer. I can't fucking believe it. Excuse my language, but I can't fucking believe it, and I wish it weren't true.

I've had this wish before. When I was twelve and she was twenty-four, my sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was horrible, horrible... I was terrified for her. I prayed and prayed that I could be sick instead of her. I actually spoke the words outloud -- asked God to take me instead of her (because I knew that she would die).

I wish that my breast cancer could be for every other woman, and especially my sister. It makes me think of Jesus, actually, and it just adds to my list of reasons I think Christianity is inane. I'm tired of people boo hooing about how Jesus suffered. Bullshit. suffering wouldn't be nearly as bad if I could suffer for others, in their stead. At least then there'd be a reason for it.

These are my thoughts on Sunday evening.

From the Plastic Upholstered Recliner

I'm writing from the lovely Infusion Suite of Kaiser Oakland Arms. It took 45 minutes and two nurses, but they finally found a good vein. Eric has hooked me up with internet access here -- bless him, always -- so I can surf the internet while Pamindronate flows into my veins.

In a while they'll send over a nurse from the Chemotherapy Suite (a room upgrade) who will give me three injections: one in my abdomen, and one in each hip.

It's a sad way to end a three week road-cruise-ferry trip.

Eric is always watching. He checks to see if they're giving me the proper meds, squinting his eyes to read the bags they hang on the Colleague CX Volumetric Infusion Pump. He watches while they attempt to find a vein by inserting needles into my arm and then just sort of wiggle waggling them around until they hit pay dirt.

He holds his breath, and he sighs. He mouths the words "I'm sorry", and "I love you". He looks away, and then his eyes are drawn back.

When the nurse asks me if I want water, He pulls a bottle out of his bag and says: I have water!

Eric would be a good nurse. Eric would also be a good pharmacist, architect, and train conductor. Eric would excel at anything he pursued, and how lucky I am that he decided to become my husband.

Home Again

We're home, back from a three week trip. I need to be up and out of the house tomorrow morning for my cancer treatment at 9:00 AM.

I love this house, and the man who lives here with me -- not in that order -- and I'm glad to be here.

Good Morning

We spent the night in Ashland, at a Super 8 Motel rather than at Graham and Leah's house. It's hot here, and AC was the high option for us. This morning I'm feeling tired and vaguely worried about returning home today. I want to sleep in my own bed with Eric, and I want to see my friends. Still, there's a couple o' every day realities that I'd prefer to put off for a few more weeks (months, years).

I have plenty of pictures to post from our summer travels. I'll try to work up a web page (or pages) soon. My blog entries have been cursory, I know, but internet access has been sketchy and also... I'm just tired of the sound of my voice. If I'm tired of it, how tired must my three loyal readers be?

Vacation is good, and home is good. Friends are good and Eric (always, always) is wonderful. As for cancer? Still sucks.

On the road again.

We're leaving Seattle this morning, destination Ashland, OR. It's a driving day -- we'll be tired and stiff at the end of it, but on the way we'll sing songs and yakyakyak about little things, and talk about big things.

I need coffee. Now.

Yawn III

It's another surprisingly sunny day in Seattle, and we're getting ready to go to a Christmas Town. Sounds like my kind of day trip!

Tomorrow we'll starting heading home.

The Buchart Gardens were amazing. Here's just one picture:



I need to organize my pics from this summer, but we've done so much that it's become a big project.

Yawn (again).

We're back from Victoria. What a lovely city! I wish I had the energy to write about it, but I don't. Not now, anyway. Sweet dreams, all.

Yawn.

We're back from Alaska, but there's no rest for the seriously travel-minded. We woke up at 5:00 AM to catch a ferry to Vancover Island this morning. Sleepy, sleepy, us.

Wednesday in Ketchikan

The lack of reasonably priced internet access aside, Alaska has been wonderful. The glaciers are awesome (truly) and the ship has been fun in that cruise ship way -- when not in port Eric and I have been playing games and running from one activity to the next. Having Jane and Neil on the ship has been a bonus!

I've wanted to see this part of the country for a long, long, time, and it's just as lovely as I'd imagined it to be. My pictures will never do it justice. I'm writing from the ship, docked in Ketchikan. We haven't been ashore yet -- I'm in the cabin, drinking coffee and downloading pictures from my camera to the computer. I'll likely post this to the blog this afternoon, after we return from town.

There's a crazy sort of limbo-feeling I get from being on a cruise ship. Time stops (or at least expands) and the days float by like icebergs. In some ways in would be nice to float here forever, away from the trials of normal life and cancer, cancer, cancer (which looms so large I have to say it three times).

BUT... I miss our friends. I hope everyone hasn't forgotten us while we've been chasing summer fun.

Here's just one picture of the sea of ice the ship had to negotiate yesterday in order to pull close to Hubbard Glacier:

Final Fair Fotos

Believe it or not, this is my hat.


We met up with my niece Luwana (right), her friend Amy (who I remember as a teenager!), and kids on Sunday.



Valentine, in rare form.




They're silly.



Roy's first fair.


Happy!


We were tired, but it was soooo much fun.

What day is this?

It's dark:30 AM, and I'm awake. I woke up with bone pain -- nagging, wincey, untouchable, and unchanged by position or alignment. It doesn't matter if I lie down or stand on my head. It's just there.

This isn't how I would choose to begin an Alaskan adventure. On the other hand, there's no good time for it to happen. It wouldn't be more welcome at the beginning of the school year, or on any given work day. I'll just forge ahead, because there's every reason to believe that the forging will be worse as time progresses.

Eric is sleeping a few feet from me. He's snoring, and I must have already written about how much I like his snoring. Things could definitely be worse, and with latte they will be considerably improved.

Yawn.

The fAIR is over, but we're still in Oregon, staying at my brother Paul's house. It's good to see folks.

Just as the fair was starting I started having some pain in my collar bone. Now it's worse, and I can't imagine that it bodes well.

I'm tired, and that's the story for today.

Assorted pictures, funny captions not included!

Wheeeeeee!

We're having such a good time here -- it's wonderful to see our friends, to be silly ... to see Eric getting loved up by his good old buddies. Eric's smile lights up the fair, for sure.

There's good internet access here, but the puter is challenging. Low battery and there's so much sunshine that the screen is hard to see. I'll post pictures when I can.

I'm so grateful to be able to be here again.

Don't ask about Carol.

It's a long story. ;)

A few pics from fair as it's happening:

On our way.

We spent the night in Ashland at Graham and Leah's house, although they're not here. They're already at the fair, and we'll join them today.

The drive up was uneventful. We listened to music and watched the road -- not a bad way to spend a Wednesday afternoon.

It'll be good to get there.

Man.

We leave on our trip today -- our vacation is starting out sleepy, that's all I can say.

Yawn

There's plenty o' stuff to do to get ready for the next leg of our summer adventure, but I'm tired today.

Eric's on the couch, looking adorable, reading his book club book. Every once in a while he laughs outloud and that makes me very, very, happy. Sometimes I laugh, too.

Yesterday we hung out w/ Lisa and Janis for a bit and a while. This morning we're going out for b'fast with Tom. It's good to see our friends.

I am peeling, peeling, peeling, and it reminds me of my youth.