Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Done.



October ends as it began, with my suggestion for a new breast cancer logo. Why not put this on your Christmas ornaments and vacuum cleaners?

I don't want to wish away time. I really don't want want to wish away time. But I'm glad October is over.

I wish that my awareness of breast cancer would diminish in November and December and the new year. I suspect that it will not.

I usually wear a hat at work. I wear a hat at work and almost nowhere else. I don't wear bonnets or flowered scarves or idiosyncratic floppy things, but small skull caps or knit caps in neutral tones.

I do this because I work in an outlying area, geographically close to Berkeley and Oakland and San Francisco, but a million miles away in terms of culture. It's just the facts. I work with people who were born and raised in towns like San Leandro and Fremont and they never left. Some of them have lived 20 minutes from San Francisco for 50-plus years and haven't gone there five times.

I like them. I'm just saying.

So.. I took my hat off for a moment today, and one of the women I work with began to laugh. I asked her what was funny. She told me that my hair (the barest wisps of hair) looked like a "mangy dog". Then she laughed some more.

I dunno. I can't claim to really have been hurt by it. Just... wow. A month of pink ribbons and TV movies and shopping for the cure and blah blah blah... but... keep yer head covered, lady. Cover your head, accentuate your cheekbones, and look pretty in pink.




Happy Halloween!




Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Is postponed shipping a cure delayed?



Pink Product of the Day:

Komen would have loved to sell you this lovely 2007 Christmas ornament set -- hope, promise, and cure -- in October. Unfortunately, due to overseas shipping delays, the ornaments won't be available for sale until November 16. All ready to shop for a cure and the cure isn't in stock!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Seriously. Not one.

Pink Product of the Day:

Garth Brooks – The Ultimate Hits Exclusive “Pink Edition”!

Garth Brooks has joined forces with Susan G. Komen for the Cure in the promise to end breast cancer forever, with the release of the “Pink Edition” of The Ultimate Hits album. The album is a new 3-disc set, and contains 30 classics, 3 new songs and a bonus track on two CDs.

It seems like oodles of money from the sale of this album will be going to Komen. I don't think that every pink product or person jumping on the band wagon is being cynical or seeking profit.

I won't impune his character -- I can't even name one of his songs.

I'm just saying ENOUGH!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Comfy Cure


Dear Management,

The good people at Lee would like you to send the following email to your employees:

October 5 is Lee National Denim Day! Lee National Denim Day gives us the chance to honor those who have been touched by breast cancer. Just donate $5 to the Women's Cancer Programs of EIF in exchange for wearing your favorite jeans to work,


It's hard to explain just how honored I feel.


I'm really looking forward to Halloween. No plans, really -- giving out candy to any children who ring our bell. Our home is in an urban area (thank goodness!) and so there aren't many trick-or-treaters. Those who are willing to walk up the many exterior steps to our front door are handsomely rewarded!


Mostly I'm looking forward to Halloween on accounta it signals the end of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In a sense, every month is breast cancer awareness month 'round here... but without any fancy satin ribbons.

If awareness cured cancer I think I'd be cured. If shopping cured cancer I think I'd be cured. Komen's (and I say Komen with same inflection as Seinfeld says Neuman) latest bit of marketing genius is this tag line:

I AM THE CURE (tm)

But enough. It's almost over.

I found a blog today that made me laugh. I put a li'l link to it on the sidebar over there.

Was up until 7:30 AM this morning. Hoping to not repeat that experience! Work tomorrow and a long week ahead. Onward!

And in this corner...



Pink Product of the Day:

What do you fight for? High Performance Hook-and-Loop Training Glove - Pink

In the past year, Everlast has succeeded in redeveloping the training glove.With dense two-layer sandwich foam for better shock absorbency and full padding on the font and back or the wrist to promote proper punching technique, the glove conforms to the natural shape of the fist for more comfortable training.

Everlast will donate 5% from the sale of these pink boxing gloves to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation (BCRF), which is committed to preventing breast cancer and finding a cure in our lifetime by funding clinical and genetic research worldwide.

It's been a quiet post-chemo day... more queasy than usual but without the steroid-induced drama and turmoil from last weekend. I've been checking and rechecking myself. I've been trying to trust that's it's really okay even when it doesn't feel okay. Nearly twenty years of experience with my darling husband has to count for something in the trusting-it's-okay department.

So I've played silly computer games and watched tv... surfed the internet and chatted with Eric... and that's about all I can say about Saturday, October 27th, 2007. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Take me off the prayer list, please.

Despite the fact that I have just three regular readers, I'm estimating that there will be between ten and twenty people who believe that I'm writing this post "for them". Believe me when I tell you that I am not writing this for anyone.. These words -- like everything I've written here -- are for common (and I imagine largely indifferent) consumption. You didn't do it. No one did.

Also, this is being typed in a conversational tone. I'm not grinding my teeth.

I'm a private person who has chosen to talk about personal things in a public forum. I have reasons for this, and they're not even interesting to me. For god's sake, 99% of what I write isn't even interesting to me! Just know that in the real world my life is not an open book.

For example, after knowing me for nearly ten years a close friend of mine was surprised to learn that I had a sibling who had been murdered. This was an event that in many ways formed and informed my whole belief system. It powerfully and irrevocably changed my life. It still reverberates. I just never thought to mention it.

Old friends and acquaintances don't know where I'm from, how many siblings I have, if and when I'm afraid, what I like about myself, or what I don't like about myself. Reading this it sounds like I'm Martha of Mystery, but honestly I'm not. I'm just reserved about those things. As stated earlier, I'm a private person. Plus, what's so fascinating about our own hooey?

Given the above it's surprising that I've shared some of things I've shared here. I've talked about crying, being afraid, being lonely....

I believe I conjectured once that my mother would be happy that I'm dying....

I've posted entire radiology reports of CT Scans...

But I wasn't writing an e-mail to you.

The only aspect of blogging that makes me uncomfortable is receiving emails from people who respond privately to statements I've made publicly.

One of the reasons I'm a private person is that I don't want people saying they're going to pray for me.

Posting comments? Posting comments is great! If you want to pray for me, please tell me so in a posted comment. Let everyone else see that you're going to pray. If my post made you cry, please post that, as well. Perhaps everyone would like to know that you've been crying.

I purposefully created a blog without a "link" for people to email me privately, because I did not wish to correspond privately about these matters. Unless I do. And if I do, you probably know.

Also, please be aware that "read your blog... just want you to know I'm thinking about you" is fine. That's not what I'm talking about here.

Do you know what I'm talking about here?

Let's hope!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Cranny this.

I was sick and tired today... sick and tired all week.... and so I stayed home from work. I was discombobulated and restless. I watched Terms of Endearment, the 80's movie in which Debra Winger dies of an unnamed cancer. The tagline: Come to Laugh, Come to Cry, Come to Care, Come to Terms.

I remember it being touted as a good movie, but it was really pretty schlocky.

Tomorrow (today) is Friday, and 3-out-of-4 Fridays mean chemotherapy. Not enjoying the chemo so much these days, and not looking forward to tomorrow (today).
Anyway.

Pink Product of the Day:

English muffins. Sigh.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Hmphday

I'm a speed blogger and a poor & reluctant writer. I blog often and I say the same things, over & over. My three readers know what I have to say:

I love Eric, I have cancer, and (for the month of October, anyway) I hate pink.

How's that for a nutshell?

Eric will occasionally learn something from reading my blog. Eric knows me very, very, well. In fact, I used to be surprised by what Eric knew about me. He's not the sort of person who runs around shouting "aha!" and flipping the lights on. He's a smart person who doesn't hide his light under a bushel, but he doesn't expose people. He never exposed me. He just... knew.

But that's another story!

Eric knows me very well, and he knows when I feel sick. But Eric doesn't always know the way in which I feel sick, because I don't often discuss the specifics. It doesn't make me feel better to talk about it.

I'm much more likely to mention a symptom or complaint here than in the fleshy world. If I have earned a reputation for grousing I think it's most deserved in the blogosphere.

(I love Eric. I have cancer. Pink.)

But tonight I have something new to say: I wish I had a friend who had advanced breast cancer.

That sounds really bad. This is why I need to limit what I say...

Obviously I'm not wishing cancer on a friend. Never, never. Wouldn't wish it on an enemy, either... and I'm not sure I have any enemies that aren't the color of bubble gum and tied in perky little bows.

And I certainly know a gazillion women with breast cancer. I used to know about a gazillion-fifteen, but they died.

But I was just sitting here thinking how nice it would be to have a friend in the world who could really truly know what this experience is like! It makes me want to cry to think about it. There's something so lonely about this.

I'm not alone. I know. I know, I know. I have my wonderful husband, my wonderful friends... and then a whole, wide, world of acquaintances and support among women with breast cancer. But the truth is that having breast cancer isn't a heck of a lot to have in common with someone. It's just a circumstance. A bad one. But if there was someone who really got it and really got me...

Strange thoughts for a Wednesday night.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Another Tuesday Night


Pink Product of the Day:
I'm not exactly sure what sort of scrapbooking is typically done with this breast cancer awareness pink ribbon scrapbook set, which is available from Ritz Camera for just under $20.00. I suppose women could capture the sweet memories of their early days of diagnosis. The first blue-dot-tattoo to mark the area of radiation treatment, a snippet of hair from the first post-chemo hair cut...

It's hard to imagine. Think I'll stop trying.

I'm still feeling pretty darn sick. Not sure what to make of this. Fingers hurt & peeling, nose bleeding, bleeding, bleeding... perennial hiccups from nausea, tired and oddly restless.. headachey and bored. It sounds horrible, I know. It's not fun, but it's not horrible.


It's just... what's going on, I guess. I'm planning fun stuff for the future and white knuckleing the present. I can't choose to feel this bad forever, but I'll do it for a bit & a while.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Chapped


ChapStick® is proud to support Susan G. Komen for the Cure’s vision of a world without breast cancer. For every Pink Ribbon Triple pack of Chapstick® Moisturizer we sell, we will donate 30¢ to Komen for the Cure with a minimum guaranteed donation this year of $100,000 to help find the cure for breast cancer. Our Pink Ribbon Triple Pack features a light, moisturizing formula and can be found on display in Food, Drug, Mass and some Special Market retailers nationwide.


It was a busy work day -- wanted to stay home but found myself so absorbed at work that the day flew by.

More of the same tomorrow. That's it!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Pink at Night


Pink Product of the Day: Only ten days left in October and oh-so-many products to showcase! I could display ten products a day and still not be able to capture the breadth and depth of the pinxkrieg.

Add some sparkle and light to your life with this striking light up pink ribbon! It's pink iridescent background and lots of super-bright lights make a statement anywhere it is hung or seen. Comes with power cord and hanging loop. Makes a great inspirational gift for yourself or special person in your life. 16" tall, 10" wide

Bloody Sunday

Oh, yes, the special breast cancer package Ford Mustang is real. I'm just grateful that the car itself isn't pink. There's also a breast cancer edition Mercedes, but it has no pinkness at all -- just a straight donation from Mercedes.

It's been a difficult weekend. I've been sick, sick, sick. Queasy, and hungry -- unfortunate combination -- and there's something fishy going on in the salt world. Food that should be salty tastes saltless and/or tasteless. Imagine eating a frito and having only a textural experience. And food that isn't salty, an apple for instance, will taste as if it's encrusted with kosher salt.

Ugh.

Sweets taste most normal. So I've had a steady diet of cell-destroying chemotherapy drugs, vascular growth inhibitors, calcium-suckers, antihistamines, steroids, anti-nausea meds, a flu shot, caramel corn, and donuts.

There's a steady stream of blood clots pouring from sinuses into my mouth or down the back of my throat.

The steroids (which have been prescribed to fend off adverse reaction to the chemotherapy and to help w/ nausea) make me crazy. Sometimes they make me crazier than others. They primarily make me feel picked on by Eric. It's very disconcerting to believe that Eric is being mean to me. It's bad for me, and it's bad for Eric.

I've really worked hard to avoid this. I've tried to stay conscious of what's going on. I'm a good drug-taker, and I know when I'm "not right", so I check and double check my reactions.

Still -- this weekend has been hellish. I feel picked on by Eric, and he feels upset that I think he's picking on me. At best I'm a bit irrational-around-the-edges, and Eric (who is so good, and so patient) sometimes responds with hurt feelings, which I interpret as a form of aggression... and so it goes & grows.

The steroids also keep me awake. I was up until 5:00 AM Saturday morning and 3:30 AM this morning.

Bad, bad, weekend.

I'm glad for all the times I'm not crazy, though. It's such a ragged and raw feeling. There's so much turmoil there, and such potential to create ugliness. In the end I guess it just makes me even more grateful for what I have, and what I want so desperately to maintain: the peaceful enjoyment of my days, whatever the condition of my body.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Carbon Footprinting for a Cure

Pink Product of the Day:

From the Ford Motor Company: In every woman there is a believer, fighter, survivor. Now, the limited edition 2008 V-6 Mustang with Warriors in Pink Package adding more muscle than ever to the fight. The Warriors in Pink Package highlights include:

Pink rocker tape striping

Pink stitching on black GT seats

Pink stitching on leather-wrapped steering wheel

Mustang pony badging over pink breast cancer awareness ribbon

DecaDrone

I've said this all before. Everything I've said on this blog has been said a half dozen times at a minimum. Still, here I am and it's still true.

I try to remember my old life -- with it's plethora of pleasant diversions -- with fondness but without attachment. If I look back with longing, then my current life begins to feel too hard. I want to appreciate what I had, and to appreciate what I have. I know of no other way to pass evenly and peacefully through my days.
I have reason to be happy. Comparisons don't help.

There was always the over-arching pleasure of Eric, and Eric's company. That was the most important thing, and that's still here... thank goodness.

But the happy diversions... the concerts, the plays, the dinner parties, the weekends away.... those days are gone. Our full calendar is gone.

Now we have one weekend a month without chemotherapy. There's one weekend a month with the possibility that I won't feel bad (although sometimes I do feel bad).

We ask ourselves how we should spend this time. Resting, probably. Or we could have a few friends over. That would be nice.

I think... well... let's be serious about this. Will I be alive for twelve months? Assuming that I feel terrible the last two months of my existence (letting myself off easy), how many of the ten remaining potentially not-too-icky-feeling weekends of my life should I spend... say... doing laundry? Comforting a friend in need? Worrying about the work week ahead?

There's no real answer. Just asking the question.

So, while the tyrannically positive are quick to tell me that I can still do some things that I want to do, even if I can't do everything that I want to do... all I have to say is pfffffffffffffffffffffft.

Yes, I know. I can do some things I want to do.

Things That I Decided I Wanted To Do This Week

In the past I would have done all of them:


1. Taking a trip to the Haunted Cornfield Maze at Ardenwood. It's always fun to go traipsing around in the dark, solving the puzzle & being startled by enthusiastic teenagers. Given my energy level and neuropathy it's probably not a good idea.

2. Going to see the Joseph Cornell and especially the Olafur Eliasson exhibits at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. They're right up my alley, and Eric and I could make a day of it, with a trip to the museum and lunch in the city. Again: energy and neuropathy.

3. Enjoying a special wine dinner with friends at Indigo in San Francisco. The prix fixe menu looks good, and after 8:00 PM they host special food and wine pairings, with the selection of wines "freely poured". What could be more fun than our friends and good food and good wine? Unfortunately, having multiple large liver tumors and the burden of chemotherapy makes wine dinners a bit sketchy.

4. Tickets are now available for the City Arts and Lectures series. I could go see Billy Collins (a personal favorite and former U.S. Poet Laureate, who I've been lucky enough to see several times), or I could spend an Evening with Amy Sedaris, or I could see Karen Armstrong or Bernhard Schlink. Unfortunately, a hot, uncomfortable, theater on a weeknight just won't work for me anymore.

5. Taking another weekend intensive class at the Institute of Mosaic Art -- possibly something along the lines of lamp making with clear and opaque glass. I forgot about my numb, blistered, fingers.

I dunno...

Maybe it would be better to never forget my limitations. It's hard to awaken, again & again, to the perennial refrain of "that's a no-go, Miss Inspirational Pink". Even if I can do some things, I can't do most things... not in the way I'd like. And I likely won't do them at all.

Or I will. And then people will tell me what an inspiration I am. I had someone tell me once that I had more fun while having cancer than she had without cancer. I understood that what she said was true. I didn't consider it a compliment, though. As far as I'm concerned, she was still gloating.

On the up side: I don't feel good enough to be bored, and Eric is still a delight. (I've said that before, as well, and I'm not planning on stopping).

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Math Soup


"Campbell Soup Company is honored to do its part to help support breast cancer research and help educate women about early detection, diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer," said Chris Slager, Vice President, "Campbell's" Lighter Soups. "This disease affects the lives of so many women and families across the country, many of whom purchase and enjoy our soups, so we're proud to help raise awareness and make direct contributions to help find a cure."

The numbers:

3.5 Million: The number of traditional, red-and-white, cans of Chicken Noodle Soup and Tomato Soup the Campbell's sells to Krogers, a large grocery store chain.

7 million: The number of special, pink-ribbon cans of Chicken Noodle Soup and Tolmato Soup that Campbell's will ship to Kroger's for October.

300,000: The number of dollars Campbell's will donate to breast cancer charities (including 100,000 to the Susan B. Komen Foundation) from the sale of special pink ribbon soup.

Campbell's spokesman John Faulkner: "We certainly think there is the possibility of greater sales since our typical soup consumers are women and breast cancer is a cause they're concerned about."

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

1. a color varying from light crimson to pale reddish purple.

Pink Product of the Day:

If you like organization and you like pink and you like your purchases to make a difference, the Ampad Breast Cancer Awareness Filing Folder Kit may be just up your alley.This kit comes complete with 12 letter size pastel pink folders and 12 pastel pink hanging file folders for the on-line price of $15.30, plus shipping. A portion of all profits are donated to the support of breast cancer research and education.


There was a cute little girl at a school site today, jumping up & down to stay warm while waiting to step into the hearing van. I was there for a bit... making sure the PTA volunteers had what they needed... checking in with the agency that performs the hearing screenings.



The little girl asked me if I was a boy or a girl. "I can't tell", she said. She's not alone.


It was a busy, busy, day and there's another one tomorrow. And then on Friday there's chemotherapy. And then I start it all again.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Code Pink

Just look for the pink ribbon on specially marked Quilted Northern Ultra® packages and look on the back for the unique code. For each code entered, Quilted Northern Ultra will donate 50 cents up to $500,000 annually to National Headquarters of Susan G. Komen for the Cure or local Affiliate of your choice.

For some reason, this promotion doesn't bother me as much as some of the others. I'm not sure why -- has October just worn me down?

At least they aren't asking us to mail in our rubbish, a la Yoplait.

In any case... there it is... another pink product for your perusal.

Monday, October 15, 2007

I'd rather see a pink toaster.

Pink Product of the Day: The Will to Live


"I want to die from eating too much chocolate.

I want to die from exhaustion from dancing the tango.

I want to die from laughing too hard on my 87th birthday.

I refuse to die from breast cancer."

So says Lynn Redgrave, in a chock-full-of-hope commericial, and bully for you, Lynn. If only I'd known that it was just a matter of will -- that if I'd dug in my heels and held my breath, my plain ol' pigheadness could have saved me.

You're an inspiration.

FYI

Dear friend and all-around-interesting-person J. Abbingsole (nee Batesole) has started her own blog -- with a bit of encouragement from me -- and I've told her I would share the address with my three regular viewers.

Her picture-a-day blog can be found at :

http://blinkfortoday.blogspot.com/

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Sunday

Eric's mother was here this weekend -- a short, two-day, trip from Florida. I couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law. We are from very different worlds, but we share an undeniable love for her son. I love her son, and her son loves me -- and, honest-to-goodness, that was enough for her from the very beginning. Plus, I make her laugh. 'Nuff said.

She was planning on flying back to West Palm Beach tonight, but in the early evening she learned that her Uncle (the father of a beloved cousin) in Witchita, KS had died. So there was a flurry of phone calls and internet flight research, and just a a half hour ago we dropped her off for a flight to Kansas by way of Texas.

Having a house guest -- even an easy house guest -- doesn't make for a relaxing weekend. The work week ahead is promising to be especially hectic and fast-paced. After that things should slow down some.

What else...?

We went to the movies today. We saw "Across the Universe". Eh. Enjoyable enough.

It's always deeply good to spend time with Eric, but this weekend was particularly nice and warm and yum. In my world, Eric is sunshine. It's just how it is.


I mean, just look at him! Here we are in Mexico. I'm reflected in his shades. :)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Weighing In at $39.99


The Taylor 5571P PrecisionTech Body Fat Analyzer Scale measures body fat and body water with 0.5-percent accuracy. Designed with pink and white accents that show support for fighting breast cancer, this scale is built with four memories to store the whole family's personal data.

Monitor your Risks -- Help Fund the Fight--Breast cancer touches almost everyone -- either with family, friends or co-workers. Help to fund the fight to find cures and treatments for this disease. With the purchase of this scale, Taylor Precision Products will donate $1 to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

How can you monitor your breast cancer risks at home? Increased body fat has been linked in studies to an increased risk of breast cancer. Using this Taylor Body Fat Scale will help you to monitor your overall body health.


It was a chemo day. Many hours in the blue plastic recliner. Not feeling so hot -- hoping to feel better tomorrow.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

One More

Pink Product of the Day:

Remember to put on your gloves in the fight against breast cancer. Look for special pink Playtex Living Glove packages during October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Last year The Playtex Cares Tour, featuring the Playtex(R) Living(R) Gloves Van, completed a 26-city, 150-retail location journey providing consumers with information about breast cancer awareness and promoting the fact that beautiful, younger-looking hands start with Playtex Gloves.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

PinkPinkPInk


These Pink Ribbon Breast Cancer Awareness Lanyards aren't being sold for charity, but to charity -- they're great for fundraising! Perfect for keychains, carrying ID cards - anything! 6 different styles - Finda Cure, Pink ribbon and more. Each lanyard meaures approx. 36" long and 3/4" wide. Each lanyard has a hook on the end with a keyring attached. Order 12 and get the Card display.


I've actually made lanyards before and I'm still not sure what they are.


It's raining tonight. Another busy work day tomorrow, and Thursday -- then chemo on Friday. It's feeling like a grind. I'm wishing for summer.


Eric's mom is coming to visit this weekend. She'll only be with us two nights... a short trip, given that she's coming from Florida.


It's really coming down out there! Think I'd better go stand at the window and watch.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Not Kidding


Master Lock, the industry leader in locks and security products, has always been committed to helping people achieve peace of mind by locking up their valuables. Now the company is also helping to unlock a cure for breast cancer by introducing a new pink padlock in support of The Breast Cancer Research Foundation®.


“With Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October, the pink padlock is a great way to raise awareness of breast cancer detection and prevention, as well as show support for continued breast cancer research. In fact, thanks to this much-needed research, the mortality rate from breast cancer has steadily decreased since 1990.”


In conjunction with the launch of its new pink padlock, Master Lock has made a $10,000 donation to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Master Lock Company L.L.C. is an operating unit of Fortune Brands, Inc., a leading consumer brands company with annual sales exceeding $8 billion.


A phrase that I've come across again & again in my pink-product research is a small bit of marketing genius: Shop for a cure!

It's clear that corporations are exploiting women with breast cancer. It doesn't even come as a surprise. It's just part of doing business.

Unfortunately, my personal experience with the disease makes me a bit sen-see-tive to the issue. I wish that I could just ignore it, like most reasonable folks. As for those who embrace it, and shop (and shop and shop) for a cure... well.... they're likely just scared. I think.

It will stop. Eventually there will be a consumer backlash or another disease du jour. All I know for sure is that there's not going to be a cure. Certainly not in my lifetime, and maybe not in yours. Although... who knows... in twenty years? Thirty? Maybe.

It's hard to say. In my youth I was promised a future with hover crafts and moving walkways. Those didn't materialize, and they're just a matter of engineering and urban planning.


Will October never end?

Quickly

Thought you might be interested in the most recent Google searches that brought people to my blog. (I can see the search parameters that brought folks to me, but I can't see "who" they are.)

The most recent searches:

Wish it were Sunday that's my funday

clavicle pain

martha in the bible

clerotic foci

mondaymonday

cinnamon synonym

chemotherapy bald hurts

Pink Oreck

Oh Martha

his hair in curlers (This comes up fairly frequently and I wonder if it's a fetish thing?)

yakky hair

bald woman (In New Zealand I'm the #1 return for a search for "bald woman". Go figure.)

being a bald woman

Sayonara Weekend.

I woke up around five in the morning on Sunday feeling sick, sick, sick. My head in a vice grip, my skin crawling...

I went to the guest room and the comfy recliner so as not to awaken Eric. I wanted him to be able to sleep, and I knew that I could not. And I didn't. Ten or eleven wakeful, not-well, hours passed before I moved again. I stood up sometime in the late afternoon to go lie down in bed. And then I stood up a while later to go to the couch. That was more-or-less my day.

Now it's Monday, technically, but I still have to sleep before work tomorrow (today). I'm supposed to be a "runner" tomorrow. That is to say: I'm supposed to spend about five hours ushering groups of Kindergarten and 2nd graders back and forth from their classrooms to the van where they will have their hearing checked.

I'm flabbergasted as the prospect of being a "runner".

I also don't relish the opportunity to show up at a school site looking green around the gills and bald. The Office Ladies at the schools usually just talk to me on the phone. They don't know I'm green around the gills and bald. But they will tomorrow.

It's okay. I have nothing to hide. I'll just recieve a few extra e-card notifications that I've been added to someone's prayer list.

Btw -- adding someone to your prayer list? Literally, the least you can do.

Off to bed.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Puckered


Estee Lauder cautions: Have a passion for pink. It could save your life.

High Gloss in Pink Ribbon Pink, from The Pink Ribbon Collection. Enjoy the luscious supershine of this irresistible gloss in a special shade. Feel-good conditioners caress your lips-and you'll feel good about showing your support for Breast Cancer Awareness every time you wear it. What's not to love?

It was a quiet day. I feel sick and out of sorts. I sat up with Lisa last night, yakking until 2:00 AM or so. And then I slept, soundly, and awoke to find Lisa gone and the day well under way.

Since then I've traveled the well worn path from bed > couch > computer > bed.

Clicking through the tv channels I found pink ribbons galore. Shop for a cure and here's how to an attractive head scarf to obscure the stark ugliness of your bald head.

Well, they didn't say stark & ugly but ....

I suppose it wasn't implied, either.

I don't wear make up. I made a few attempts at it in my youth. It always seemed bizarre to me. The concept of "putting on your face" before leaving the house was like... hmmm... the bleeble urp of an alien creature to me. What?

I don't think Eric would have wanted to kiss me if I'd worn lipstick. Oh happy day, I did not!

Friday, October 05, 2007

What price hope? $85.00, plus tax.


From Ralph Lauren: Making a statement in support of the Pink Pony Fund, our polo shirt features your choice of our signature Pink Pony or monogram embroidered in our special pink thread. Designed for a sexy, skinny fit in breathable cotton mesh, our polo shirt features all the traditional detailing, including a two-button placket, ribbed polo collar and armbands and an uneven vented hem. (Ten percent of proceeds from Pink Pony products benefit breast cancer organizations.)


I'm sooooo happy that it's Friday. Lisa is spending the night tonight, which is always fun. Beyond that it'll be a quiet, sleepy weekend. Mostly I just want to sit and hold Eric's hand, and I'm pretty sure that he can hook me up with that.

I do enjoy weekends.

I'm not sure how much longer I can continue with the pink products on parade. There's plenty o' material, but my point (such as it is) has likely been made.



I considered taping a pink bow to my head as a form of protest, but if I wouldn't subject babies or dogs to pink ribbons, why should I subject myself?

I wish we could get to Halloween already!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Choking on Hope

Let the light of hope shine bright! Introducing Angel of Hope, an exclusive Thomas Kinkade breast cancer charity figurine from The Hamilton Collection that sends an uplifting message from above. Inspired by the illuminating artistry of The Painter of Light.


Beautifully handcrafted of fine artist's resin, this collectible Thomas Kinkade angel figurine raises her lantern as a symbol of the hope shining within our hearts. Wearing flowing robes hand-painted in a symbolic pink palette and wings accented with sparkling glitter, this elegant breast cancer charity figurine stands as a beacon that one day a cure will be found. Hurry, strong demand is expected for this limited edition.

Honestly, I'm speechless.

Tomorrow is a rare non-chemo Friday. I'll be at work, trying to unbury myself. I don't mind being busy, though. I like the distraction.

That's all!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Cleaning Up for a Cure


"The Oreck vacuum was invented with women in mind. That's why I engineered it to be lightweight and powerful for effective cleaning and allergen control.

"Now to show our support for Susan G. Komen for the Cure in the fight against breast cancer, we're making a special model in pink," Oreck said.

October is national Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The pink Oreck XL(R)Ultra Hypo-Allergenic Plus Bagged Vacuum Cleaner helps Clean for the Cure. For every pink Oreck XL vacuum cleaner purchased, Oreck willdonate $50 to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. (Retail $549.95)

In the last year I've read more & more about the "pink backlash". It's the natural progression of things -- as natural as the progression of the disease that's currently infiltrating my bones and liver and lungs and lymph nodes.

I've read the blogs and essays of women with other cancers who have complained that their cancer isn't "sexy" like BC. I've heard the general grumbling of just-folks who are sick of the marketing, sick of the pink. Hear, hear. Agreed.

But, y'know, it kinda makes me mad on a different level, too. It makes me mad because somehow the bigness of these pink campaigns is belittling. Because I communicate with women every day whose lives are very difficult. They're sick and they're tired and they have children to raise and houses to clean and they're dying, and sometimes it's awful.

I've come home from work the last two days and slept, slept, slept. I've taken six hour naps after work. I'm exhausted and empty, and I've only completed one full cycle of chemotherapy.

Eric kisses my head and makes me grilled cheese sandwiches. That's the good part. (And it's very, very, good.)

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Where's the miniature blue plastic recliner?

Pink Product of the Day -- although I don't think I can stand to present one in each day of October:

Here's Pink Ribbon Barbie, in a frothy pink organza gown featuring a shirred design with tiers of ruffles. A sparkly, tulle stole and long pink gloves complete the stylish ensemble!

As far as I know, she's as anatomically correct as ever. No mastectomies, to my knowledge.

Mattel will donate $2.50 for each doll sold ($25.00 retail).

It was a challenging day at work. I was truly busy, and feeling a bit resentful at the quality and quantity of projects I've inherited. It was unusual for me. I lost perspective, for sure. I will have to consciously change that, because life is too short (and life is really too short).

In these days of new baldness, I appreciate the folks who meet my eyes with a spark of recognition. They don't say anything. They don't offer advice, or horror stories, or inspirational stories. There are no hallway hugs. They just give me a small nod and an smile. It's a human, pleasant, connection.

I had an appointment with my oncologist yesterday. It went well enough. We're waiting and seeing. That's all.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Over With


I broke out my box of hats today. I dislike hats. I think they look nice enough on people with hair, but... oh well. It doesn't matter.

I was a little sniffley this morning before I left the house, but I was dry eyed and smiling when I walked through the door at work. It was sincere enough. For the most part I don't mind being bald. The trouble is dealing with the reactions of those with whom I am nominally acquainted. The outpouring of grief, sympathy, and inappropriate humor! Oy vey.

Among my favorite comments today:

You don't look that bad.

I don't want to do a happy dance, either. I won't act joyful about losing my hair. I won't do that to the bald women who will follow me.

BUT, when those near strangers talk about me after I leave the room -- and they will -- I'd rather they talk about my courage and good humor. It's just easier that way.

I never used to know what people meant when they would praise my courage. I've heard about my courage quite a bit, and I've wondered what the alternative to being courageous would be.

I've come to understand that when folks talk about my bravery that they are really saying: "Thank you for not burdening me with your fear, because I'm afraid of getting cancer myself."

They want to know if I have a family history of breast cancer. They want to know if I smoke, and if I eat meat, and if I cut soy or added soy to my diet. They tell me about the latest news in breast cancer .... that alcohol consumption increases risk.

They want to believe that their healthy mothers and grandmothers can save them, but their genetics can't save them. Their diets can't save them, and their exercise can't save them. Even their 3 day walks can't save them and in their heart-of-hearts they know it.

The mutations and permutations and factor upon factor upon factor that makes up this disease -- these diseases, really -- are so complex! It's not random, but it's bigger than our ability to understand, predict, prevent, and cure.

So -- breast cancer will be a satellite that continues to fall from the sky. And healthy people will continue to be afraid. And I'll continue to do my best to have a good time. And I won't burden them with my fear.

And they are welcome. Honestly.