It wasn't so bad. Three tries to find a vein... I'm used to three tries... and the one she found was this tiny little squiggly thing in my right pinky. But the IV was set up and then I sat and talked with Eric for a few hours.
We talked about our trips last summer. We dreamed about trips NEXT summer. Who knows if we'll be able to travel? No one knows. I'm not sure if it's a long shot or a shot in the dark. But it would sure be nice.
Then the chemo nurse came in and gave me three shots -- one big thick needle in my abdomen, and two long slow burn shots... one in each hip.
Eric and I laughed. We laughed while they were giving me the shots, talking to each other through the "privacy curtain".
I had three needle pricks in the back of my right hand, and three shots, and Eric, which added up to a nice day.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Vacation Work
Yesterday was a nice day. We went for a hike in Redwood Park -- down, down, down, we went... and then the long, slow, ascent.
Now I'm at work, having a hard time concentrating. There are so many things I'd like to be doing, mostly related to planning for the summer. There are packing lists to be made and itineraries to complete. There's research to be done!
With all of our pre-vacation plans, we only have three, free, weekend days between now and when go off on our adventures.
What fun!
Now I'm at work, having a hard time concentrating. There are so many things I'd like to be doing, mostly related to planning for the summer. There are packing lists to be made and itineraries to complete. There's research to be done!
With all of our pre-vacation plans, we only have three, free, weekend days between now and when go off on our adventures.
What fun!
Monday, May 29, 2006
Pics & Stuff
Yesterday (Sunday) was a nice day. We drank coffee and Eric made pineapple pancakes. We went for a walk on the Quarry and Big Springs trails in Tilden Park, and had a picnic lunch.
Eric is better at identifying plants than I am, but both of us are more adept at plants that have culinary uses. We saw rosemary, chamomile, bay, sage... and, of course, lots o' Eucolpyptus. It was a lovely, sneezy, day.
Here are few pics from yesterday and last week:
We were headed to a different trail in Tilden, but our guide book (written by a friend, even) gave us a bum steer. This is the second such error we've found in that book.
So we were adverturous, and picked unknown trails. This one was about as flat a trail as one can find in Tilden, which suited us just fine.
A common flowering bush with no culinary use.
ACHOO!
Janis and I had our final mosaics class last Tuesday. We liked our instructor, Gina.
Sister Jane and I at the Museum of Modern Art SF last weekend.
Eric is better at identifying plants than I am, but both of us are more adept at plants that have culinary uses. We saw rosemary, chamomile, bay, sage... and, of course, lots o' Eucolpyptus. It was a lovely, sneezy, day.
Here are few pics from yesterday and last week:
We were headed to a different trail in Tilden, but our guide book (written by a friend, even) gave us a bum steer. This is the second such error we've found in that book.
So we were adverturous, and picked unknown trails. This one was about as flat a trail as one can find in Tilden, which suited us just fine.
A common flowering bush with no culinary use.
ACHOO!
Janis and I had our final mosaics class last Tuesday. We liked our instructor, Gina.
Sister Jane and I at the Museum of Modern Art SF last weekend.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Ghosts
Readers of this blog already know that I believe death to be a brick wall and a void. I've thought about it, alright... before and after my unhappy diagnosis, I've thought about it.
I don't believe in ghosts, spooks, souls, spirits, or energies that pervade post-death. I don't think anyone can speak to the dead.
My brother Mark was killed when he was 26 years old. My older brother soon became my baby brother, which was something I wished for often when I was little and he was big. I wanted very much to "catch up" to him, although I wanted it to happen through magic, not mayhem.
His death was very hard for me. I have stories, but I won't tell 'em.
I used to think I'd see him in a crowd out of the corner of my eye , or that I'd passed him on a bicycle when I was driving my car. It wasn't a conscious thing. I knew he was dead. But then I'd catch myself turning my head to look at the bicyclist with the thought, "Oh, it's Mark.."
I think that kind of ghost is as common as dust bunnies in corners. They're like the ashes in our hearts.
My heart was full of ashes. I carried the ashes from my brother-in-law, and my mother, and brother, along with the ashes of my own regrets. So often I write about Eric and how he changed my life for the better, and showed we a world of possibilities. That's true. Eric was and is my light, but ashes just take time.
I've been haunted, but I've never blamed the dead.
I don't believe in ghosts, spooks, souls, spirits, or energies that pervade post-death. I don't think anyone can speak to the dead.
My brother Mark was killed when he was 26 years old. My older brother soon became my baby brother, which was something I wished for often when I was little and he was big. I wanted very much to "catch up" to him, although I wanted it to happen through magic, not mayhem.
His death was very hard for me. I have stories, but I won't tell 'em.
I used to think I'd see him in a crowd out of the corner of my eye , or that I'd passed him on a bicycle when I was driving my car. It wasn't a conscious thing. I knew he was dead. But then I'd catch myself turning my head to look at the bicyclist with the thought, "Oh, it's Mark.."
I think that kind of ghost is as common as dust bunnies in corners. They're like the ashes in our hearts.
My heart was full of ashes. I carried the ashes from my brother-in-law, and my mother, and brother, along with the ashes of my own regrets. So often I write about Eric and how he changed my life for the better, and showed we a world of possibilities. That's true. Eric was and is my light, but ashes just take time.
I've been haunted, but I've never blamed the dead.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Just a Thursday.
I didn't go into work today -- stayed home for no reason, or for bunches o' reasons, depending on how you look at it.
Back to work tomorrow!
Back to work tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The Grind
Last night was the final mosaics class. My project is still woefully incomplete, but the class was swell.
I'm back in my office, at my desk -- Mold Scare 2006 seems to be over.
Busy, busy, me.
I'm back in my office, at my desk -- Mold Scare 2006 seems to be over.
Busy, busy, me.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Ketchup
It seems like such a long time since I've written, but I only skipped three days.
The scoliosis screening went as well as can be expected. I'm always amazed at the unwillingness of the fourteen year old boys to take off their shirts. They act as if we have lascivious intent. Truly. It's as if Marlo Thomas and Barney and Dora the Explorer are all whispering in their ears: personal space... just say no... if it feels wrong don't do it!
One of the thirteen year old girls once called me a pervert.
So... the screening was ooookay. It's over now, 'cept for the paperwork, which is difficult to do without a desk.
The weekend ws also ooookay. We went to the Calder exhibit on Saturday... met Jane there and had lunch. We had tickets to attend King Lear that evening, but were unable to do so.
On Sunday we went to Bay Meadows horse race track -- a charity event for Eric's highschool's booster club. Lisa joined us, and that was fun.
And today was Monday. And that's all!
The scoliosis screening went as well as can be expected. I'm always amazed at the unwillingness of the fourteen year old boys to take off their shirts. They act as if we have lascivious intent. Truly. It's as if Marlo Thomas and Barney and Dora the Explorer are all whispering in their ears: personal space... just say no... if it feels wrong don't do it!
One of the thirteen year old girls once called me a pervert.
So... the screening was ooookay. It's over now, 'cept for the paperwork, which is difficult to do without a desk.
The weekend ws also ooookay. We went to the Calder exhibit on Saturday... met Jane there and had lunch. We had tickets to attend King Lear that evening, but were unable to do so.
On Sunday we went to Bay Meadows horse race track -- a charity event for Eric's highschool's booster club. Lisa joined us, and that was fun.
And today was Monday. And that's all!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Have I Got The Scoliosissis?
Scoliosis screening today -- and if I have anything to say about it we'll never schedule it this late in the year again.
I guess this is the worst work day of the year for me: Scoliosis screening, with CN, while tired, and poorly organized because of the mold-displacement.
It's the worst work day of the year, but it's not all that bad. That's a nice thought for me to try to hold today.
I guess this is the worst work day of the year for me: Scoliosis screening, with CN, while tired, and poorly organized because of the mold-displacement.
It's the worst work day of the year, but it's not all that bad. That's a nice thought for me to try to hold today.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
No surprise.
Pain creeps back in after... hmmm... it has to be four weeks without it. I have such disappointment for someone who had no expectation that it would stay away.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Anniversary
I met Eric eighteen years ago today.
He was tan & bright eyed & joyful. I wanted to swallow his confidence like a pill, and wanted some small amount of his shinyness to rub off on me. I had never known anyone like him. His brand of self-possession and comfort-in-his-own-skin was so foreign to me that I didn't have words to describe it. I just knew that he was special, and that I wanted to know him for a long, long, time.
Eric was the first good choice I'd made as an adult, and is still the best.
We were sitting on a bench in Yosemite this weekend, and there was an old couple sitting across from us. Looking at them I was filled with such longing to have what they have -- what they've presumably HAD -- a long life with each other and the chance to be old together.
This is the same old song I always sing. It's Martha's Lament. I can't help it. It's eighteen years later, and it still feels like Eric hung the moon.
Yosemite was swell.
It feels like a long time since I blogged! Yosemite was beautiful, as expected. It was very sunny, breezy, and good.
Eric and I went on a two hour hike, past Mirror Lake, which was taxing (uphill) for me but worthwhile. There were other folks there but we were able to get away from the largest of the valley floor crowds. Here's where we were:
Now it's Monday, and I'm discombobulated. I need to go into work, but I don't want to -- being displaced from my office is increasingly stressful. It's not enormous in the grand-scheme-of-things, but I don't always live in the grand-scheme-of-things.
I guess I should figure out what I'm doing.
Eric and I went on a two hour hike, past Mirror Lake, which was taxing (uphill) for me but worthwhile. There were other folks there but we were able to get away from the largest of the valley floor crowds. Here's where we were:
Now it's Monday, and I'm discombobulated. I need to go into work, but I don't want to -- being displaced from my office is increasingly stressful. It's not enormous in the grand-scheme-of-things, but I don't always live in the grand-scheme-of-things.
I guess I should figure out what I'm doing.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Right Now
I've felt good for the last three weeks. I've been almost entirely without pain, and I've even had more energy that usual (my new usual, not my old usual).
I've really been appreciating it. Sometimes I stop and think about how nice it is to be able to cross my legs without "helping" my leg up & over. I've been going on pretty weekend walks with Eric and not limping the next day.
It's wonderful! It absolutely won't last, but how sad would it be to only acknowledge when things get bad, or worse?
I think everyone who's lucky enough to not be in pain right now should take a moment to enjoy the easy, painless, movement of their muscles and the smooth function of their joints. I hope there are lots & lots of you out there.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Mold
If I didn't have bigger fish to fry stress-wise, I'd find this mold situation pretty awful.
My job is an old school job. This isn't a 21st Century gig. I can't just plug a laptap into a workstation and get to work.
My job involves paper. Paper lists with items checked off.... stacks and stacks of alphabetized forms... information in triplicate -- white, yellow, pink.
I use index cards. The department uses equipment. There are floor to ceiling cabinets: scoliometers, audiometers, expensive little books for testing color vision. There are syringes and alcohol wipes. There's a refrigerator containing medications.
There are logs with signatures in blue ink.
So, yes, while having word processing and spreadsheet programs is good, and access to the district database is required, what I really need is to be at my desk, surrounded by stacks and stacks of contaminated, spore-y papers.
NM is as even-keeled as I am, and she finds this stressful. CN fled the building shortly after the Mold Meeting, very nearly holding a napkin over her mouth and nose.
I have to say that while this isn't the end of the world, it's pretty much pushing the envelope of inconvenience.
Not to mention having breathed in that moldy green black nastiness for a year and a half.
Phooey.
My job is an old school job. This isn't a 21st Century gig. I can't just plug a laptap into a workstation and get to work.
My job involves paper. Paper lists with items checked off.... stacks and stacks of alphabetized forms... information in triplicate -- white, yellow, pink.
I use index cards. The department uses equipment. There are floor to ceiling cabinets: scoliometers, audiometers, expensive little books for testing color vision. There are syringes and alcohol wipes. There's a refrigerator containing medications.
There are logs with signatures in blue ink.
So, yes, while having word processing and spreadsheet programs is good, and access to the district database is required, what I really need is to be at my desk, surrounded by stacks and stacks of contaminated, spore-y papers.
NM is as even-keeled as I am, and she finds this stressful. CN fled the building shortly after the Mold Meeting, very nearly holding a napkin over her mouth and nose.
I have to say that while this isn't the end of the world, it's pretty much pushing the envelope of inconvenience.
Not to mention having breathed in that moldy green black nastiness for a year and a half.
Phooey.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Well, shoot.
The SLZ Unified School District office has been poorly maintained. This is partially due to the neglect of the maintenance staff -- they are often criticized, and some of the criticism is valid. However, in a school district that's perpetually short on funds, dollars are prioritized to school sites (as they should be).
Unfortunately, the building has a bit of a mold problem. Actually, it seems to be a BIG mold problem. Also: two offices were found to have a particularly nasty green-black mold in the air, Stachybotrys chartarum, that is a toxigenic mold. My office is one of them.
I'm not allowed back into my workspace. There's some question as to whether I'll even be able to remove papers from my office. I'll be displaced for the rest of the school year and probably into the fall. I can't even imagine how I can do my job without my files and equipment.
Oh, well.
Unfortunately, the building has a bit of a mold problem. Actually, it seems to be a BIG mold problem. Also: two offices were found to have a particularly nasty green-black mold in the air, Stachybotrys chartarum, that is a toxigenic mold. My office is one of them.
I'm not allowed back into my workspace. There's some question as to whether I'll even be able to remove papers from my office. I'll be displaced for the rest of the school year and probably into the fall. I can't even imagine how I can do my job without my files and equipment.
Oh, well.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Quickly
Just a quick update as we're close to running out the door.
It's been a fine weekend. Eric had his book club Friday night, and I went out with Tom and Janis. We went to Acote, and just in case you're reading, Ms. Lyons, we had pomme frites and croque monseur, grilled skirt steak, mussels, lovely cow and goat's milk cheeses with almonds and walnuts and figs, delicious cocktails and warm cashew tarts with banana ice cream.
Yum!
I spent most of the day Saturday in The Zone (that's computer-game-land, and I do get totally sucked in). Eric went with Tom to buy a brand spankin' new HarpMobile, and it's BEAUTIFUL.
Today we're going to eat a quick breakfast, then head to Henry Coe State Park for a guided wildflower walk and li'l picnic lunch. I'll try out my new camera on those wildflowers, and enjoy an abundance of Eric time.
That's my story!
It's been a fine weekend. Eric had his book club Friday night, and I went out with Tom and Janis. We went to Acote, and just in case you're reading, Ms. Lyons, we had pomme frites and croque monseur, grilled skirt steak, mussels, lovely cow and goat's milk cheeses with almonds and walnuts and figs, delicious cocktails and warm cashew tarts with banana ice cream.
Yum!
I spent most of the day Saturday in The Zone (that's computer-game-land, and I do get totally sucked in). Eric went with Tom to buy a brand spankin' new HarpMobile, and it's BEAUTIFUL.
Today we're going to eat a quick breakfast, then head to Henry Coe State Park for a guided wildflower walk and li'l picnic lunch. I'll try out my new camera on those wildflowers, and enjoy an abundance of Eric time.
That's my story!
Friday, May 05, 2006
Friday
On this day, the 30th-from-the-last work day of the school year, I'll work until 3:30 or so, and then I'll hasten to the oncology department of Kaiser Hospital in Oakland, where I'll be ushered into the chemotherapy suite for two injections: the usual abdominal injection of Goserelin, and a slow-hip-injection of Faslodex.
Faslodex is a new drug for me, on which I hang almost no hope. It's really just something to do while I don't do chemotherapy. If it works it will be a (really, truly) lovely surprise.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
In the Light of Day
In my memory I had written a long, maudlin, blog entry last night. I came to look at it this morning -- not to change it, because I'm determined to not re-write these things, but to read it & wince -- and I find that it's not so bad. I think it just sounds like I love Eric. Nothing new there.
I'm off to work. I'm a little late, but this the first time I've gone to work post-infusion. With so few days left in the school year, and so much to do, I figure that if I CAN go to work I SHOULD go to work.
I'm off to work. I'm a little late, but this the first time I've gone to work post-infusion. With so few days left in the school year, and so much to do, I figure that if I CAN go to work I SHOULD go to work.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
One more Wednesday Night
It was fine today once I was set up with the IV. Usually I read during the 2 hour infusion, and Eric often grades papers, but today we just talked and laughed.
Eric told me a nice story about a rainy night he spent in a campground with friends. It was raining too hard for them to set up tents, and so they stayed up all night in the van, taking turns reading out loud from a paperback copy of Huckleberry Finn.
That's a nice memory, and Eric has a bunch o' them. It was a new story to me, which was a nice surprise. I know his stories so well, and I know Eric so well, that sometimes his memories feel like they're my memories. Having someone hold your life so closely is such an amazing thing. I worry that Eric will be lonely without me. I know he'll be lonely without me -- and it makes me absolutely crazy to not be able to do anything about it.
If there's ever a Camp Martha without me -- an unlikely occurrence, but if -- I would like all of the campers to remind Eric how wonderful he is, and how much I loved (more than anything, more than I ever could have anticipated and imagined) my life with him.
This weekend we're going to SF-MOMA for the Calder exhibit (which we didn't get to last weekend) on Saturday, and on Sunday we're going on a guided wildflower walk in Coe State Park.
Next weekend we're going to Yosemite.
And the weekend after that we're going to a play on Saturday, and to a fundraiser at the Bay Meadows Horse Races on Sunday.
It's good to have fun stuff planned.
Eric told me a nice story about a rainy night he spent in a campground with friends. It was raining too hard for them to set up tents, and so they stayed up all night in the van, taking turns reading out loud from a paperback copy of Huckleberry Finn.
That's a nice memory, and Eric has a bunch o' them. It was a new story to me, which was a nice surprise. I know his stories so well, and I know Eric so well, that sometimes his memories feel like they're my memories. Having someone hold your life so closely is such an amazing thing. I worry that Eric will be lonely without me. I know he'll be lonely without me -- and it makes me absolutely crazy to not be able to do anything about it.
If there's ever a Camp Martha without me -- an unlikely occurrence, but if -- I would like all of the campers to remind Eric how wonderful he is, and how much I loved (more than anything, more than I ever could have anticipated and imagined) my life with him.
This weekend we're going to SF-MOMA for the Calder exhibit (which we didn't get to last weekend) on Saturday, and on Sunday we're going on a guided wildflower walk in Coe State Park.
Next weekend we're going to Yosemite.
And the weekend after that we're going to a play on Saturday, and to a fundraiser at the Bay Meadows Horse Races on Sunday.
It's good to have fun stuff planned.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Sleepy me.
I worked all day, and then went to my mosaics class. Before class I went to the lab and had blood drawn -- it took three tries and two technicians to draw one little vial blood. My veins are, as they say, shot. My veins are on strike.
Tomorrow is infusion day. It almost sounds like holiday.
I'm just hanging out, waiting see what happens next.
Tomorrow is infusion day. It almost sounds like holiday.
I'm just hanging out, waiting see what happens next.
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