G'morning

Last year we had party on New Year's Eve. There was no Phil/Dead show, and no out-of-town friends or houseguests. It was very, very, fun.

The dance party gave us an opportunity to ring in the year with good friends who, having no interest in meandering jam bands, we'd never been able to spend NYE with.

I hung a pretty gold bag filled with little slips of paper by the fireplace and invited folks to burn their burdens by writing their troubles on the papers and throwing them in the fire.

I had several ideas for what I wanted to burn, but at first I was busy being a hostess and then I was a hostess who had been drinking... so I didn't get a chance until a few minutes before midnight. The burden I burned was a hastily scribbled "fear".

I had become increasingly fearful of a recurrence of cancer. I guess that one woman's fear is another woman's premonition.

The longer I went while maintaining my NED (no evidence of disease) status, the more convinced I became that I wasn't done with cancer (or that cancer wasn't done with me).

I don't know what other folks burned, but most of the little slips of paper were gone by the end of the night.

This year I plan on kissing Eric at midnight, just like the year before, and the year before that, and the year before that...

Still Sleepy

I really enjoyed the holiday and our houseguests -- my sister Mary, nephew Scott, niece Luwana, and great nephew Dusty. By the time everyone left Tuesday morning, yesterday, I was exhausted. Eric and I spent the day lying about and napping. then I went to bed at 10:00 PM and didn't get up until 9:00 AM.

Now there's much to do. We have to clean our house for our New Year's houseguests... work on Camp Martha, although it's hard to have a Camp Martha without Sean.

I have a bone scan tomorrow. That takes four hours, although much of that time is just waiting for the radioactive isotopes to dissipate throughout my system.

I owe people phone calls and emails. I've been too tired to keep up.

I wish I had taken pictures of the Christmas festivities. As usual, I was too much in the moment to remember.

Christmas is good.

I enjoyed Christmas -- I really do have the most wonderful friends, and I was so happy to have my family and friends with me. I missed people who weren't there, as well.

I stood up to make The Speech before dinner, as I always do, but I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to cry, and I started crying before I said a word. So I just cut it short and sat the hell down.

Mary and Scott, my sister and nephew, are still here today, and my oldest niece, Luwana, and her son Dusty are coming today. I'm sooooo psyched to see Luwana and Dusty.

I need to drink coffee now. Bye!

I can't help it! It's not interesting!

I've been reading blogs lately, and I've decided that mine is among the most boring. The very worst blogs are the teenage blogs with names like "My Boring Life" and "Meaningless Ramblings". My blog isn't in that category, but it's close.

I've been feeling better. I have more energy, and less pain in general. I don't even care if my new "good" is closer to my old "bad" than my old "good". I just feel better, and I'll take it!

I started my new drug today -- another aromatase inhibitor, similar to the Arimidex I was taking until the fracture of my clavicle. So, for the blog-record (and this is just one the reasons my blog is so generally unentertaining), my current treatment is:

A monthly, 2-hour infusion of Aredia (a biophosphonate class drug, which reduces bone pain and the risk of fracture),

A monthly, abdominal, injection of Goserelin (a drug that inhibits the production of leutenizing hormone by the pintuitary gland, which leads to a reduction in estrogen), and

A daily dose of Aromasin (a drug that stops the enzyme aromatase from turning adrogen into estrogen... meaning less estrogen floating around my bloodstream to lock onto my estrogen-friendly cancer cells and encourage their growth).

None of these treatments are considered chemotherapies, which are generally not as well-tolerated. I'm still holding on to the notion that I can have a good run with hormonal treatments.

I am having a bone scan next week and the two injections, two days apart, the week after.

That's all the medical news from my corner of Oakland (and another unimpressive blog entry, I know).

Hump Day

Eric and I met with my new oncologist this morning.

I slept in just a bit... got up a half hour later than usual. Eric and I drank coffee and wrapped Christmas presents, then sat and looked at the tree for a while. It was a nice morning with Eric.

The appointment with the new oncologist went well. Nothing new came out of it except a small change in my medication, but I have more confidence in this doctor's knowledge of breast cancer than I had in the last.

I went to work after the appointment. After work, Eric and I went to the lab at Kaiser to have blood drawn. While we waited we sat across from two women, a daughter and elderly mother.

As I was having blood drawn, the elderly woman went to Eric and told him how much she enjoyed sitting across from us and seeing how nice we were to each other. She said she hoped we have a hundred years together. Me, too. And it still wouldn't be enough.

Amen!

Intelligent Design Barred From Pa. School District

 

Dec. 20 (Bloomberg) -- A Pennsylvania school district cannot require the teaching of intelligent design in high school biology classes, a federal judge ruled in a case that may influence other challenges to the theory of evolution.

 

U.S. District Judge John E. Jones III in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, ruled today that the Dover, Pennsylvania school board can't force the teaching of intelligent design, a theory that claims that the universe is too complex to have developed randomly and must have been designed by a superior power. The board in October 2004 ordered that intelligent design be introduced alongside the theory that life evolved by natural selection.

 

``To preserve the separation of church and state'' mandated by the First Amendment, the Dover Area School District is barred from maintaining the ID policy in any school, Jones wrote. ``The students, parents and teachers of the Dover Area School District deserved better than to be dragged into this legal maelstrom, with its resulting utter waste of monetary and personal resources.''

 

The six-week trial drew national attention as the first over the merits of intelligent design. Religious conservatives have proposed introducing the theory in other school districts, a move critics claim would violate a 200-year-old ``wall of separation'' between church and state.

 

``Since it's the first such ruling, if you are a school board lawyer and your job is to keep your school board out of trouble, you will be paying attention to what the district court says in Pennsylvania,'' said Brian Landsberg, constitutional law professor at University of the Pacific McGeorge School of Law, Sacramento, California.

 

An Appeal

 

The ruling can be challenged at a federal appeals court in Philadelphia and then to the U.S. Supreme Court. For now, its legal effect is limited to Dover school board. It is not a binding precedent on other school districts.

 

In his opinion, Jones said the key issue is ``whether Intelligent Design is science,'' and said, ``we have concluded that it is not.''

 

Jones said the concept of Intelligent Design, ``cannot uncouple itself from its creationist, and thus religious, antecedents.''

 

The ruling ``has potential impact'' across the country because ``it's a piece of ammunition that will be used'' by the winning party, Landsberg said.

 

Dover voters ousted eight of the nine school-board members who backed the plan in November. The ninth wasn't up for re- election. The vote came the same day the Kansas school board adopted statewide science standards casting doubt on evolution.

 

Eight Dover families filed the federal lawsuit last December, accusing the board of threatening to fire science teachers who refused to give creationism equal weight with evolution.

 

``Two thousand years ago, someone died on a cross,'' the board's leading proponent of intelligent design said during a discussion of the issue, according to the suit. ``Can't someone take a stand for him?''

 

In September, six Nobel laureates joined about 200 scientific and religious leaders in urging all 50 U.S. state governors to insist that schools teach evolution and oppose religiously inspired alternatives. Intelligent-design classes might harm the U.S.'s economic competitiveness by weakening the teaching of biology and genetics, they said.

 

The Origins

 

The phrase ``intelligent design'' was first widely used in ``Of Pandas and People: The Central Question of Biological Origins,'' a textbook the Dover district is using as a reference book in the high school's library.

 

Georgetown University theology Professor John Haught testified during the trial that intelligent design is similar to creationism and should be taught as religion and not science. Religiously-motivated foes of Darwin's theory have promoted intelligent design for the past 15 years, according to the suit. They are led by the Seattle-based Discovery Institute, which describes itself as a nonpartisan think tank.

 

The case is: Kitzmiller et al v. Dover Area School District, 04cv2688, U.S. District Court Middle District of Pennsylvania (Harrisburg).

Merely Human

I watched "Born on the Fourth of July" last night -- the story of Ron Kovic, former marine and Vietnam veteran turned anti-war activist.  The Tom-Cruise-Irritation factor aside, it was a good movie.

 

The movie had DVD-style subtitles throughout.  It was a running commentary on the movie, and true story of Ron Kovic.

 

At one point, Kovic and others spray a group of buildings with gunfire, only to find that the buildings were full of women and children, now either dead or dying.  The subtitle:  As a Catholic, Ron Kovic found this very disturbing (perhaps it said upsetting).

 

As a Catholic?  How about as a human being?

 

That's the problem with people who believe they are chosen by God -- whether chosen to be ushered into heaven, or chosen for a life of good works and ministry.  It's the ultimate In Group and Out Group, and everyone who is out is just slightly less human.

 

 

Feeling much better, thank you.

I'm glad it's Friday. 

 

I'm going into the onc's office this afternoon for one of my monthly injections, then it's Movie Night at the Price household -- with Tom & Corinne & Champagne. 

 

I have no plans for the weekend, but so much to do that I'm sure I'll be busy, busy.

 

 

Finger Crossed

I'm back at work today, feeling much better.  Yesterday is hazy... I have little memory of it.  I didn't have a fever this morning, so decided to come in and try to get a few things done.  Winter break approaches, and there's so much to do.

 

I've been here for fifteen minutes and I'm starting to feel feverish.  I forgot to bring my thermometer, so who knows?  I'll just do what I can do.  Today is already waaaay better than yesterday.

Argh.

Fever, chills, muscle pain... home from work today. Hopefully this will resolve soon.

Inner what?

The nurse who set up my IV today was a cheerful, well-meaning, Chatty Cathy.  It was all I could do to not grin bitterly at her while answering her questions. Yes, I celebrate Christmas, and yes, I'm nearly done with my shopping.  Yes, I work.  

 

I said, "As opposed to all those folks who JUST LOVE IT", when she said that she could tell that I don't like being stuck with needles.  Actually, I don't mind being stuck with needles.  I just have a strong preference that they get it the first time, and not try multiple times, saying, "onetwothree OUCHYOUCHY... almost there... breathe in... almost there... ouchyouchyouchy... okay I'm just going to wiggle it a little itsy bitsy bit!"

 

When I settled in to read, the first article I found was an essay in Newsweek.  This woman -- a young breast cancer "survivor"... wrote about her "Inner Cleavage".  After her breasts was loped off, and her hair fell out, she actually felt more beautiful than ever, on accounta she found her Inner Cleavage. 

 

Now she has fashion-forward breasts (she had the other one re-done with the reconstruction) and her hair is long... and she says she knows that men find her attractive again, but she tries not to put too much emphasis on her external appearance anymore.  All in all, breast cancer has been a real boon for her.

 

Bully for her.

 

After two hours, Nurse NiceyNice came and took out my IV.  "Onetwothree ouchyouchyouch!"

 

She gave me some extra bandaids and sent me on my way with an appointment for next month.

 

I came home and zoned out in front of the TV.  Then I wrote this.  And now I'm going to bed.

 

 

 

 

Can't Slow Down, Can't Let Go, Can't Hold On

Our Christmas tree is very pretty. It's very shiny. It was a big, big, project this weekend.

I have another 2-hour infusion of the bone-strengthening drug tomorrow.

It's hard for me to complain. I'm not in any intense pain. I have aches here and there... nothing too bad. The thing is, though, I'm so tired. It's hard to describe, and it's hard to be happy. I'm so afraid that it's not going to get any better, and then I think... BETTER? Give me a break. You should count your blessings now because it's going to be so much worse.

I want to jump back to some healthier time, but I can't go back and I can't stand still.

I can't believe I'm up this late.

I've been going to bed soooo early. I've been sad in the evenings -- sad and tired, or perhaps sad because I'm tired. I've been in bed by 9:30, and that's been nice. Plenty o' sleep. And Eric makes me hot chocolate whenever I ask. That's nice, too.

Work has been busy -- those five, repetitive meetings... five times guidelines for reimbursement of Medi-cal referrals. That'll make for a long work day.

I still like blogging. I like writing about Eric. I'm not sure if anyone's noticed that.

I had a terrible cold during my first Christmas with Eric. He drove me around Oakland and environs, searching Christmas tree lot after Christmas tree lot, on a dark, cold, damp, night. He'd pull out the trees and spin them around for me. Then we'd take another tour of the lot, and he'd pull out the trees and spin them around again.

I didn't know that I was going to spend the next seventeen years loving him more and more. I didn't know that we'd get married. I didn't forsee any of it -- couldn't have imagined it, really. But I did know that he was good and sweet and kind. I knew that I wanted to know him for a long, long, time.

Sigh.

I'll attend three meetings today -- three exactly identical meetings -- which are the same as the two meetings I attended yesterday.

They're training sessions that I have a small role in. Sure makes for a boring day.

And now it's time to leave for work!

Quick Update

I've just been working and going to bed early -- some nights as early as 9:00 PM. I'm very tired. Tired, tired.

Wanting to enjoy the holiday season but on a serious energy budget.

Christmas, 1970

I was five years old, I had a new bicycle and a bad, unintentionally asymmetrical, haircut. My mother referred to this 'do as "a pixie".

I'm posing on the front lawn of my familial home in Long Beach, CA. I'm carrying the rest of my Christmas presents in a basket I've created by pulling up my shirt. I wanted the picture taken with ALL of the presents. I remember my father laughing as he took this photograph.

I'm so glad I'm not at work.

When someone dies quickly and unexpectedly it's like a giant, horrible, wave that rearranges lives and throws people into convulsions of grief. There are no rituals or niceties, no easing into the idea. There's no chance to say goodbye.

More than one of those waves have washed out my beach, and I know how awful it is.

I don't think it's so awful for the dead person, though. I believe death to be a brick wall and a void. I've cried many tears for people who've died -- cried FOR them, for what they've missed -- but I've never believed that dead people are suffering, or have any consciousness at all. They're just ashes and dust. Grief is a luxury of the living.

When someone is known to be dying (kind of funny, since everyone is known to be dying, but you know what I mean), there's opportunity for folks to say goodbye, if they want to and are able.

But for the person who's dying... boy oh boy to those goodbyes mount up. There's a goodbye in every hello. I say goodbye a hundred times a day. I say goodbye to mornings in bed, and coffee, and Eric reading the newspaper. I say goodbye to the big things and the small things. I say goodbye to reading a good book, and I say goodbye to Christmas, and then in the morning I say goodbye to everything again.

It's not the worst thing I've ever experienced, but it's not going to make the top ten BEST things, either.

I'm 99% sure I'll wake up in the morning and have another cup of coffee. I'm 80% sure I'll see another Christmas next year. Still, here I am, seeing all it, everything, in a new and not-really-appreciated light, and wondering if a tsunami isn't really a blessing, after all.

December!

Somehow, amazingly, it's December.  I don't know how it happened.  Time really does rush by, faster & faster... and I am currently in no position to be flying through my days.

 

I like December, and I like Christmas.  I really do like Christmas.  It's not complex for me. 

 

I have so much work to do.  I'd better get to it.