Test Results

The results are in and they are exactly what I hoped for: inconclusive. I don't know what kind of lame test can only show bad outcome or be inconclusive, but that's what I had, and I received the best-case-scenario answer.

I had about thirty minutes of marked relief. I took a shower, and it was such a nice shower. I haven't wanted to be out of Eric's presense long enough to even shower since this started. I've done it, but I haven't been rinsing AND repeating.

But shortly thereafter it occured to me that I am -- I think? -- in the same position I was before. Dr. Simons still says that there's a 50/50 chance that I have bone mets, and even that is probably an optimistic assessment. I am creeping back into AnxietyLand, and I've just learned that they can't get me in for a ct scan until May 18th. Figure two days for results, and I'm looking at 11 days before I know if I'm dying.

Everyone is dying, of course. Let there be no rush to remind me that everyone is dying. I know it. The thing is... THEY don't know it. Not most of the time. Not in a conscious way.

I'm going to try sooooo hard to not let this make me completely insane for 11 days. I'm really going to try. I'm going to go to work and try to stay busy. I'm going to love Eric up and work at staying positive, and look for those small moments of grace and contentment.

Sometime soon I want to be filling this blog with politics and links and rants about Christians, like it oughta be.

I heard what I wanted to hear this morning, and for that I am grateful.