I guess I'm a blogger now.

I woke up a bit after seven this morning, and asked Eric to get up with me. There was comfort in doing our normal Sunday morning routines.... drinking coffee, checking email (me), reading the paper (Eric), watching the tape of Saturday Night Live that we're too old and tired to stay up to watch on Saturday night (us).

When SNL was over I started to feel the beginnings of worry and panic and dread (oh my)... so I asked Eric if he would please take me to a beach -- never mind the cold and the potential rain. So we got all bundled up and off we went.

It was nice. We drove to Pacifica and got out to watch the waves in a light drizzle. Beautiful, and the ocean is so large that it often makes me (and my problems) seem smaller. Then we headed further south, and stopped at a small cove about 20 miles before Santa Cruz. It was sooooo beautiful... and we were smiling and climbing on rocks and looking for critters in the tidepools. I drew a heart in the sand, and Eric screamed "I love Martha!" as loud as he could... because you can do that on the beach, in the wind & rain.

We talked about the past, because just for right now, talking about the future seems impossibly hard. I do not like this waiting. We do not like this waiting.

It was a happy few hours. Eric is the person who taught me to look for and appreciate happy hours... and we've been doing that for many years now. I don't know if ya'll know it, but Eric saved my life. He made my life, and he saved my life, and I do so love my husband. There is nothing so horrible that Eric's presense doesn't make it better for me.

A part of me wanted to keep heading south. I had the feeling that we could keep going and run away and not have to deal with this ugly fear and waiting and anxiety.

It's possible that the news on Monday will be okay -- that the tests will be inconclusive. And if that's the case, it's possible that the subsequent MRI will show that I don't have metastatic breast cancer at all! I want to hold and hang out with that hope... but the fear for me this time is so real and deep.

If everything turns out to be okay, I won't feel foolish for any of this. I'll just be happy... I'll just be happy, happy, happy.