Maps and Calendars and Stuff.

I'm so tired. I woke up at around 5 AM, as did Eric. I want so much to let go of this stress -- to rise above it, or go beyond it, and to exude calm and appreciation of my days.

I'm aware now of how much I've been happily anticipating this summer. I like my job, and what a relief that is! I like my job, and have had no problems coming to work and managing my day. I've enjoyed my evenings at home, my trips to the gym, my outtings with friends... I've enjoyed my monthly activities with Janis, my American Idol phone calls with Tom, and always, always, my life with Eric... it's all been good.

But really, really, I've been planning and anticipating this summer.

We have road maps hanging on the wall of the office. I have calendar pages out on my desk, in the dining room, in our bedroom. I have a file of information about our various destinations. I've had a constant hum in the back of my brain for weeks ... summmmmmmmmmmmmmmmer.

I even have plans for NEXT summer.

And now, stuck as Eric and I are in this limbo of wait & worry, it's so hard to look at it all. It's hard to look at those maps and calendars, but it's too scarey and awful and symbolic to put them away.

I have a map of June on my desk here at work. I haven't put it in a drawer, but I've turned it face down. Sometimes I get the urge to kiss it.

We shall see.