Hump Day

Eric and I went to go see the Star Wars movie last night. We had to see it, even though I haven't really liked a Star Wars movie since the first. It was a fine distraction.

We came home and watched American Idol, and then I watched a Frontline report on the trade deficit with China. Also a fine distraction.

This morning I'm struggling with the thought of going to work. I won't be driving in with Eric today, and that changes things significantly in terms of motivation to get dressed and out of here. Depression is nipping at my heels. A little situational depression seems appropriate, I think.

On the other hand, if this is as healthy as I'm going to feel, I don't want to waste my days with sadness.

I'm having issues with my oncologist at Kaiser, and his nurse (who said she would call me back about something and did not).

It feels like they have no sense of urgency. It feels that way because the do not have a sense of urgency. This is not an emergency. This is a slow slide down, and the best case scenario is a slower slide.

So, ultimately, does it matter if the only treatment I'm being given is an endocrine therapy that probably will not be effective? I think I'm supposed to "hope" that it will be. I'm pretty sure that's what my oncologist would tell me, if my onocologist would talk to me.

And why not at least try a hormonal therapy, when chemotherapies have such an impact on quality of life?

"Quality of life" is a phrase that I hate.

People tell me to have hope -- hope for miracles, for new treatments, and (the most informed folks add) hope for better days. The tell me to get angry at cancer and to channel all of that anger into "fighting" it. They tell me to live each moment to the fullest. They tell me to just march right into my doctor's office and give him what for. They tell me, still, how lucky I am -- how lucky I am to have Eric.

I've known all along how lucky I am to have Eric.

Oh, well. I guess I'd better get ready to go to work. I'd better just do it, and not stay here & work myself into fits.

I'll be a few minutes late, and that will be okay. It'll all be okay.