The pain is not a mystery anymore.

I do not always understand what information people want me to give them about my disease. I understand that there are questions. I also have questions. I tell people what I know, and I post most of the information that I have here.

I am not upset at anyone. I UNDERSTAND wanting to know what's going on. But... will I find out that I'm all better? No. Will I find out how long I will live? No. It's all just a matter of tilting a tiny bit of information against a massive sucking unknown vacuum of fucked up possibilities and unknowns.

I have not yet talked to my oncologist about my ct scan results. He will either give me a little bit of bad news or he will give me a lot of bad news. There will be no good news, as I have cancer and it is progressing.

Here's what I do know, from a brief, hallway, conversation I had with the radiology oncologist today. I am not in pain because of a cancerous lymph node at my clavicle. I am in pain because my clavicle itself spontaneously broke because it is riddled with cancer. It was weakened with cancer, and it broke.

It hurt, as a broken bone would hurt -- it just... broke.

No wonder I was in agony for days.

They will radiate my clavicle in the hopes of killing the cancer cells there. As long as there are cancer cells there, my bone will not heal. If they can get rid of the cancer cells there, the bone will slowly heal. I may or may not have complete healing, and I may or may not remain in enough pain to require some form of pain medication because of my broken clavicle.

I don't know what other bones the cancer may be in, or where else I may be at risk for fracture, and I don't know when or if we are going to look.

I don't know what my ct scan has shown in terms of soft tissue issues -- I don't know if it's in my liver or my pancreas or my brain or anywhere else. I don't know what the scan has shown, and I don't when I will know.

All I know is that I have nine more radiation treatments, at 2:30 PM, weekdays. And the pain "should" slowly subside. And that's it.

I am in a bit of a foul mood regarding all of this. I am frankly horrified that an area of my body which had no known disease would so quickly become dreadfully diseased. It scares me.

I believe that in the future I will feel better than I feel now. I believe I will happier days. Thing's will settle down -- I'll wrap my mind around my newest reality and find a way to make it work, just as I found a way to be happy with my original diagnosis, and just as I found a way to be happy after my recurrence just six months ago. Just six months ago I was given a death sentence (really... we can quibble but that's essentially what it is), and in that time -- Eric with me -- I've found a way to be happy.

I'll do it again. But tonight I think it's just awful. I think it's just awful, and even if I had more information than that to share -- I think that's a fair enough of summation of an ugly topic.