Cancer is boring.

I'm tired of talking about cancer. I guess I'm more tired of actually having it than talking about it, but the general aura surrounding all of this? Tired.

I'm glad I went for a second opinion yesterday. There were no surprises. There were no specific recommendations for a protocol. Folks want information about my disease. I give the information I have. There are no answers in regard to life expectancy.

I'll be continuing with radiation therapy next week. I've completed six of ten treatments. I'll meet with my oncologist approximately one week after completion of my radiation treatments. Here's what's on the table for discussion:

1. Can I be said to have failed hormonal therapy? There are indications that hormonal therapy has not been given an adequate trial. If I cannot be said to have failed hormonal therapy, what steps need to be taken to insure an adequate trial of hormonal therapy?

2. If I have failed hormonal therapy, what is the recommended chemotherapy protocol? What are the expected side effects? What are the risks in postponing chemotherapy?

3. What drugs should I take to strengthen my bones? My onocologist had not recommended the bone-strengthening class of drugs, as my metastasis was not to a weight-bearing area. Now it is clearly indicated. Ultimately, with bone mets progression, I will have more fractures, regardless of treatment.

That's it. I'm tired. I could have the best oncologist on the eastern seaboard, and this disease would kill me. I'm not excited by chemotherapy protocols. All of it's based on statistics, and if you want to hang your hopes on statistics, please remember that all chemotherapies given to all breast cancer groups yield a difference in life expectancy of months.

My cancer treatment is palliative in nature. That's a word that has been humming through my brain for the last five months, and I think it's an important word for people to know. Palliative means that it's a treatment given to relieve the symptoms and reduce the suffering caused by cancer. It is not curative, and does not have significant effect on life expectancy.

I am not interested in Cousin Alicia, who was told that she had six months to live EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO. I don't care that a 70 year old woman has been plugging away for six years with mets to her lungs. Yes, I know -- you could get hit by a truck tomorrow.

I've been hit by a truck. We can stop talking about it now.

There are NOT curative treatments around the corner. There's nothing coming down the pipeline to save me. My advice to 3-day WalkForACure types: If you laid all of the pink ribbons in a line, end to end, they would circle the globe twenty times AND you'd have enough powder puff sateen to hang yourselves.

Really. Cancer is boring.

What I want -- and the only goal of treatment -- is to feel good. When I feel good, my life is good, and Eric and I have a very nice time walking through our days together. I'm so happy to have nice folks to walk with us. I know I sound cranky. I don't want to be cranky. I'm just tired.