Friday was a difficult day, and it lasted a loooong time. I didn't go to sleep until around 5 AM Saturday morning -- Decadron being a drug of great wakefulness for me.
I slept for a few hours, and then woke up to Eric and reports of sunshine. Eric made me a lovely little breakfast burrito. Simple, but so perfect -- a perfectly soft scrambled egg with black pepper and cheese melted throughout, wrapped in a warm flour tortilla.
Not only is it super yummy, Eric's li'l breakfast wrap also brings back happy memories of camping. As our experience camping together has grown, our meals have become more simple. In the past we (Eric, really) worked harder and prepared fancier food. If we are with friends, we still do. But when it's just us -- breakfast burritos and sandwiches and oatmeal and snack bars and one-pot meals. Everything tastes so good, and it's soooo nice to be there together.
Today was a quiet, queasy, dreamy day. My dreams are expanding. I'm making room for dreams of dying well, and what that could entail in addition to my same ol' dreams of feeling better, and having fun, and alwaysalways being with Eric. I just don't want dying to be hard in that way. Not in that harsh, this-can't-be-it, inability to let go, way that I've observed time & time again from this side of the computer screen. Many of the cancer ladies kick and scream and scramble their way from this earth.
Just so's you know, there's no turn for the worse that indicates I need to "go there" now. It's just a shift in my thinking, and a subtle one at that.
My goal for today, Sunday (although just 4 hours into it) is to feel sun on my skin. I'll let you know how that goes.
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