Oh well.

I spent a few years listening to Christians. I listened & listened. I read the Bible -- twice -- and asked questions. George W. Bush had just been appointed President of the United States of America by the Supreme Court. I was afraid for my country and felt out of touch.

So I started listening to, and speaking with, and asking questions of, people who actually used phrases along the lines of "west coast liberal latte drinking demoncrat". For reals.

I came to the table with a general sense that Christianity was okay... just another system of ethical thought ... and that there were a few bad apples who turned it into something ugly.

I had that wrong. But that's another story.

This is all a bunch of yakyakyak that's leading to virtually nothing at all. It's just that I had the thought today that I'm feeling a bit like Job. When it came to Job and his trials the fix was in. He was pummeled by both Satan and God, essentially for their own amusement.

Job was a faithful servant, though. And I... I'm just sad and tired and sick. I just want to be able to stand up and walk across a room without thought or concern. I want to feel good with Eric and spend time with Eric and bring Eric happiness, not work & worry.

I had to leave work in the early afternoon today to run to the doctor, where I was diagnosed with shingles, which is Chicken Pox for Adults. Well... not really chicken pox for adults. But childhood chicken pox remains dormant in the roots of our nerves, and when/if it reappears it's shingles.

It's most likely to return during times of stress, immuno-suppression, chemotherapy, HIV, or cancer.

I don't have HIV!

The problem is... in some cases it can be quite painful. Seriously painful. And I'm afraid that's the case for me. I can't lift my arm, it hurts so badly.

And it's just that there's so much other stuff that's wrong. My blood counts and my numb hands and numb feet and my shortness of breath and my dizziness and my nosebleeds and my nausea.

I dunno. It's just one more thing. Another straw won't break the camel's back. I'll just have to tuck it away somewhere, and try to get on with my days.