Christmas Eve Eve

I came upstairs on Friday and I haven't been back down since. I could certainly make it down there, but the thought of walking back up is daunting.

I've barely moved for 48 hours and yet I'm exhausted. The day was already in double digits when I woke up. I ate half of a bagel, drank apple juice, and then took a nap. I felt well rested when I arose from my nap at 2:00 PM but depleted my energy by walking the 20 feet from the bed to the bathroom.

I'm surprised to be in this condition. Some mornings there's a moment of confusion followed by a small jolt of remembering.

I guess I feel okay. A few aches, some pain ... queasiness... low grade fever... intermittent headache... no feeling in my feet... a series of bloody noses and a strange stomach ache that comes and goes. That all sounds pretty bad, but it's not bad in the big picture. It makes me smile to type it -- it sounds absurd, I know -- but it's not bad. My body's okay.

My spirits... also okay, I guess. I'm sleepy and dreamy. I have moments of feeling upset. I feel useless, defunct. I feel afraid that "this is it"... this is now my life at best, with nothing but greater discomfort to follow. But those are just moments and just feelings.

My heart is full, on accounta I'm married to Eric. I'm spending another Christmas with Eric. Lucky, lucky, me.

I'm not much for flinging warnings or advice into the universe. Being sick hasn't given me any wisdom and people will do as people will do ANYway. Including me.

But... take a moment, if you can, to think of the parts of your body that are functioning well right now. I know that we all have our hitches and ickiness. But if you're breathing easily, take a few deep, clear, breaths. If your back doesn't hurt, stretch and roll your shoulders and think about how good it feels. If you can feel your toes, wiggle 'em and say hello.