I write emails to folks from cancer message boards. I sent a long letter to a man yesterday whose wife has breast cancer, and who can't seem to comfort her in the way that she would like. Here's part of what I wrote:
One of the toughest things for me about this illness is that sometimes there are no answers, particular when it comes to what is and isn't related to the disease. You may never be able to connect the dots whenit comes to headaches, back pains, et cetera. She's had surgery, stress, and chemo - it may be related to one, all, or none of thosefactors. It's very difficult to find equilibrium in a place of "not knowing", but eventually - to one extent or another - that's what we must do.
That's all true... but I have to tell you that my day-to-day is very much tied to how my body feels. Right now I'm having increasing pain in my sternum. Conventional wisdom says that more pain = more cancer. My feeling is that more pain may or may not mean more cancer, as my pain has always fluctuated in a way that is atypical of bone mets.
Still, it makes me crazy, because the pain is a heartbeat that pulses cancer... cancer... cancer...
The last three concerts I've attended I was unable to dance. And now, after a month of being pain free, it looks like that I won't be able to dance at the music festival this weekend, which is what I wanted most of all.
Bummer.
No, I'm not going to assume my treatment isn't working, and no I'm not going to go see my onocologist, and no I don't need to be on pain medication.
I'll have scans early in November. Unless things get considerably worse, I'll wait until then to find out if there's been progression. It's very difficult to find equilibrium in a place of "not knowing", but eventually - to one extent or another - that's what we must do.
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