Work Work Work

I haven't had much to write/say lately. I'm just working, working... trying to get through this final push before vacation.

I went to Eric's school for lunch today. We sat in his room an ate tacos. He was handsome, as always. I've been thinking about how much I like being in a car with Eric -- driving to some fun destination, or driving back to the house we've loved and the life we've enjoyed.

Sometimes the best part of a vacation is getting there with Eric. We talk & talk in the car. We talk about everthing, and we talk about nothing, too. We play silly games. Eric's been kicking my ass in "I-Spy" for over a decade now. Boy, can that man spot license plates.

We list every state motto we can remember, and sing every song that has a state name in the lyric. We sing every song written by Elton John or Bob Dylan. We sing songs that have a color in their titles.

I ask Eric general knowledge questions. For instance, I might ask him to explain how a swamp cooler works. If he asks me why I want to know I always answer , "no reason". He always has an answer.

Some couples fight when they're on vacation. I think they want something different than they get at home. They want to be somewhere, or do something, that's transformative.

But I love that Eric is Eric the world over. Eric is Eric wherever we go -- devoted, smart, constant, adorable.

A week from tomorrow we'll be in Mexico. Yahoo!

How high tech is this?

I am typing this in the car. I have the technology to actually send this off through cyberspace to update my blog, as well. I'm going to try.

It's still very Tomorrowland to me.

Reno was great fun, as always. We enjoyed all of the fabulous amenities at the Atlantis Casino and Resort, every player's paradise. We gambled and gambled. Eric very nearly adopted my strategy of non-stop gambling. It was good.

I didn't do well in the tournament. I placed 31st out of 120. So, I wasn't horriblehorrible but I wasn't in the money, either. A woman won first place this year -- the first time I've seen that..

I was one of two women at my table for the second round. We were the table leaders, which was nice. All of those cigar-smoking, bolo-tie-wearing, old white man-types tanked early.

I found out on Saturday night that Jeanne had died. She was a swell gal -- someone who reached out to me and many, many, others. She was often the first to respond when I had questions about my diagnosis and worries and just plain fear & anger about my cancer diagnosis.

Jeanne was doing so well. She was stable for many years. She gave me (and many of us) hope.

Once she started progressing, it went quickly. She went from fine to dead in too few months.

So, Jeanne's dead, and I'm alive, and my turn's coming. Here husband of fifteen years said that she was comfotable and surrounded by friends and family. I guess that's another best case scenario that Jeanne represents.

That's what I'm talking about.

Shortly after we arrived this afternoon I sat down at a slot machine, fed in a twenty dollar bill, and made several 20 cent bets. Then I made a few forty cent bets. Then I looked at my remaining balance -- about eleven dollars -- and thought: what the hell? I'll make $1.50 bets with the rest of this twenty.

The next thing I knew, I'd hit a $782 dollar jackpot!

I like it when it works that way.

Eric is very handsome, and I love the Atlantis Casino and Resort, every player's paradise. My first exciting round of craps is tomorrow at noon. Wish me luck!

"Would you like that whole bean or ground?"

Customer service is customer service the world over.

This is from the blog of a 21 year old man in Singapore who answers an 800 number for an environmental health agency.

It made me laugh. "Miss Anonymous" is a woman who calls regularly with a bajillyon questions.

Yesterday was like as usual but there was this call which spark my time at work!!! This caller called to complain about his hands becoming numb after eating breakfast meal. Guess what he say after that!!!!?? "Can u all send pp go and check the place, i suspect they put SUPER GLUE to the food!!! <---*siao kia* how on earth he suddenly tot of super glue! madness!! We laugh like mad.. i argued with him. Till now i can still rmbr.. In the end, i just feedback this to the ministry of health let them laugh at the crazy guy. Fed up <*evil me*> hehe

Today, miss anonymous call again but i was too tired to bother abt her. Played dota last nite till so late that i almost sleepwalk to work. After her 15th questions, i just shut her off saying i very busy, tell her to call back later.

Luck Be A Lady

We're leaving from work today for the Atlantis Casino and Resort, every player's paradise, where I'll be competing in a craps tournament. This is a stand-alone tournament that doesn't feed into a higher level event. It's just two rounds of down-and-dirty dice. I may need to change my strategy... something to think about on the road to Reno.

We're not returning until late Sunday. In fact, we have a room for Sunday night just so we have a comfy place to be as late as we'd like on the afternoon before our last full work week.

I'm been extra busy at work, and super-special tired and sneezily at home. The other day I came home from work and took a "nap" from 5:00 til 11:00 PM. I don't recommend that.

I owe a lot of folks emails and phone calls. I've been thinking of youse guys, for sure -- don't let radio silence convince you of the contrary.

Eric looks particularly handsome this morning (for reals).

That's all!

Grumble

I am part of an online community of women who have metastatic breast cancer. The collective noun for a group of women with metastatic breast cancer should be a flagging or a waning, because we drop like flies.

Most of the cancer ladies who have blogs are Beacons of Light. They're holding out for a cure. They do those crazy 60 mile walks and raise a bazillion dollars. Their faith helps them through because it's all in God's hands, and so on. Needless to say, I can't relate.

It's rare to find a Stage IV lady who's still singing the "cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me" tune. That's typically a stage I - III phenomenon, but occasionally I'll run into a woman with mets who's still hanging onto her gratitude by a thread.

Mostly they don't bitch in public.

I haven't left for work yet on accounta I have a terrible headache. I'm going to take a OTC cocktail and give it till 8:30 to go away before I decide it's a brain tumor.

Life is fun but cancer still sucks.

Yawn

I feel a bit overwhelmed by everything I have to do between now and the start of our various summer adventures. I'm also concerned that we won't be able to do our summer stuff... that I'll be injured, or will run out of steam.

The thing is -- we have plans for every weekend day between now and September. I'm feeling superstitious. The univserse could decide that it was awfully presumptuous of me to make plans when everyone knows I'm supposed to stay home and wring my hands and wait for death.

I want to make myself small, so as not to attract the attention of the gods. The thing to do would be to whisper through my days with an expression of bland satisfaction or disinterest. But instead I'm creating all this hoopla, with my summer travels, and I wouldn't put it past the fates to fuck with me just on general principles.

I was tired yesterday and I'm tired today. I have to go to work now and think of ways to act engaged and interested when I'm really already gone.

Sunday Night

Today wasn't as productive as I would have liked, but it was a nice day. It was a typical, sunny day, hike in the east bay hills -- downdowndown and then uuuuuuuuup.

There's so much that I can do, all things considered, but of course I want to do everything. Anything less than everything feels like a gyp.

I try to remember that people don't start from the same place. I have cancer in my spine and my hip. I have cancer in my lungs. How can it be a failure to walk up a steep incline slowly?

I don't know what I think about anything. I'm glad that I can go for a hike at Huckleberry Botanical Preserve. I'm glad that it was a beautiful day. I'm immeasurably happy to have spent another Sunday with Eric. I wish I didn't have cancer.

I know that's a no-brainer, and wishing doesn't change anything.

Weekend

The Graham and Leah Bonus Visit was fun, and so was winetasting. I loved the flowers at the wineries!

Today we have end-of-weekend work-day-tomorrow type errands to run, but at some point we'll go for a hike at Huckleberry Park in the hills.

Here's a picture from yesterday:

Recap

It was a nice day, made nicer on accounta it was Friday.

Friend from Oregon, Graham and Leah, came up today... a last-minute visit. It's good to seem them.

Tomorrow we're going wine tasting with friends.

Life is good.