My Kingdom for a Latte

Because I'm having a ct scan today I'm unable to drink coffee this morning. This is interfering with the quality of my life.

The scan will indicate if my current treatment has been effective. If there's less evidence of cancer, or if it's stayed the same, then I'll continue with the same hormonl treatment (lupron and arimidex).

If the cancer has grown, I will be said to have failed arimidex. That's how they phrase it: we fail the drugs, the drugs don't fail us. If I have failed arimidex, no new hormonal therapies will be tried.

With no hormonal therapies in the bag-of-tricks, my choices would be limited to chemotherapy and radiation (rads for pain management). I have no idea what chemo would be tried first, and I'm not sure that I'd even embark on a chemotherapy journey while I still feel pretty good. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, all I want is a ct scan and a cup of coffee, thank you very much!

Here are a few pics from recent days:


Muir Woods has some taaaaaall trees.


Yoko and Luana at the Blackjack Tournament awards ceremony, where Luana won a cool $100.00.

Home

When we're traveling west on 80, heading home from a trip, we start getting excited as we pass through American Canyon. There are few, brief, glimpses of the bay, and then we drop down into a few miles of freeway before we cross the Zampa Bridge into the Bay Area. The bay is always beautiful, and we feel like we're home.

No matter how long or short a trip it's been, or how much we've enjoyed ourselves, we're always happy to be home.

The blackjack tournament was fun. I won $50.00 in the tourney and Luana won $100.00. Eric, Yoko, Luana, and I all had a good time -- and we got in lots of quality blackjack time.

Our summer is winding to a close. If I were healthy, I would be very happy. I'd be thinking to myself: I only have to work 187 days, and then I get to have another wonderful summer with Eric! I would have the illusion of having endless summers.... or, perhaps, I'd be thinking that sure, my time was limited, but not that limited.... my death inevitable, but somewhere in a murky distant future, along with the "right" time to have a baby. Sometime, for sure, but just not now.

It's time to start thinking about how, exactly, I'm going to make it through this school year. The only effective distraction from cancer has been travel. I don't know how to live day to day within the context of work, my summers metered out by stingy gods.

Sometimes I am stunned at how impossible it is to believe that I am dying.

Every Player's Paradise

I love the Atlantis Casino and Resort. My latest accounting indicates that I've lost forty dollars... but who cares? We've had hours and hours of gambling fun, Eric had a lovely swim, and we both enjoyed a complimentary buffet right here in the super lux comfort of The Atlantis.

They've left two little bottles of Saint Brendan's Irish Cream Liqueur and two small brandy snifters in our room, and tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM I have my first round of play in the blackjack tournament.

It's all such a pleasure.

I hooked up with Luana for an hour or so on the casino floor, but I think it'll be an early night for all us.

Yesterday's play, Cyrano de Bergerac, was enjoyable. It was nice to see friends there... Tom, Lisa, Janis, and Elizabeth. I sure was tired, though.

I've been soooo exhausted, so naturally I'm leaving today for Reno, where I'll be participating in a blackjack tournament. Luana and Yoko will also be there.

Off to drink coffee...

The latest.

Yesterday we went for a walk in Muir Woods. You sure don't have to travel thousands of miles to see beautiful landscape 'round here. The short walk pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the day.

Today we're going to see a play in the park... Cyrano de Bergerac. I think it'll be quiet until then.

I have a slow dial up, too.

That's why I offer the following link to pictures of our roadtrip with the following warning: It'll be slow, folks.

Roadtrip 2005

G'morning

I've been tired and discombobulated. I've had twenty minutes of okay-ness followed by hours of hazy, vaguely-nauseated, hooey.

But today is the day I'm determined to catapault (or limp, or crawl) myself into a full recovery. I believe the key to be fresh air.

I don't know why I should try to memorize Eric's hands. I believe as strongly now as I ever did that death is almost certainly a brick wall and a void. I don't believe I need to tuck away any precious memories for the journey to oblivion.

I don't know how many of you I've told my theories about dead people over the years. Not surprisingly, I do have my theories... and for a woman with 5 crates of Christmas ornaments in her basement, they're surprisingly unsentimental.

I'll have to go into it later, though.

Is this Tuesday or Wednesday?

I am feeling much better, thank you, although still not 100%. Yesterday Eric and I ventured out to the grocery store and to the movies. We saw "Must Love Dogs", because I didn't want to see anything intense or violent or action-packed. It was none of those things. There were a few cute moments but overall it wasn't a big winner for me.

Still, it was nice to be out, and wonderful to be in Bay Area climate (temperature and citizenry-wise).

I checked in with my Christian friends last night -- I hadn't spoken with them since long before we left on our roadtrip -- and I have this nugget of wisdom to share with you from David, 50 year old book store owner, and father of three adult children:

Just think if the South would have won [the Civil War]....they would have gotten rid of slavery anyway (not the real reason for the war anyhow), and probably the Confederate nation would not have abortion, and half the other social liberal crap of the North.

When the conversation turned to state flowers, mottos, et cetera, this is what Ren -- a 40 year old former Airforce wife and mother of a 17 year old in Seattle, WA -- offered by way of explanation for California's state motto:

that's what the immigration officials say to the undocumented aliens....."You reeka!"

To which Maggie, a single woman with three teenage sons who works and goes to college at night, responds with:

Ren nah..they just tell them to go apply for food stamps

I have nothing to add to their commentary.

Good morning, America.

"President Bush said Monday he believes schools should discuss ''intelligent design'' alongside evolution when teaching students about the creation of life."

Sigh.

Some homecoming!

Eric and I spent Friday night at my brother's house in Eugene, OR. We drove home on Saturday, and at about 3:00 AM on Sunday morning I was overcome with a terrible gaunch -- flu-like symptoms and noooo fun. Really, I haven't been sick like that since I don't know when. Today I am feeling less ill but definitely weak and tired.

That's all the news from Oakland, California.

Oh, except that today's our wedding anniversary. Thirteen years married to the most wonderful person I've ever known... so can I really complain?