Correction

I wrote that I have fewer friends now, and that's not true. I see my friends less, though. Also, I dance less, see less live music, throw fewer parties, have folks over for dinner less often, see fewer movies, go to fewer museums, hike less, spend less time walking next to the ocean, and just generally have less fun.

Friends I've got!

The Medical Professionals at Kaiser yesterday wouldn't give me chemotherapy. This is the first time I've not received treatment on schedule. I wasn't given chemotherapy because of the gaping wound in my chest.

It might have been a good idea to stop chemo before the wound was quite so gaping.

Now I don't know what the heck's going on. It's going to take forever for this thing to heal -- it hasn't started YET, that's for sure... is just worse & worse & worse. And I can't go forever without chemo.

Well, I could go forever without chemo, but that would certainly hasten my demise.

I dunno.

I had talked of taking a chemo break anyway. My oncologist had okayed a chemotherapy break for me this summer, pending the results of the scans I'll be getting next week.

If my scans were stable, I was going to suspend chemotherapy for June, July and most of August. I've kept the plan on the down low, for the most part -- maybe I didn't want to "jinx" it somehow, because everyone has a leetle superstition in 'em, when they really really care about something -- but it's the only thing that's kept me trudging through these tiresome days. I even had a rough a sketch of where we might go, including two or three weeks in Hawaii and possibly a trip back to our Mexico destination from last summer.

But now...

Well. Like I said, I dunno. Maybe this thing'll heal, and I won't have major progression whilst off chemo. That'd be GREAT. But I ain't going to be soaking in any ocean. No oceans, no swimming.... no Hawaii, no Mexico.

Swimming in the ocean with Eric is my absolute 100% no-question-about-it favorite thing to do ever, ever, ever. It was what I wanted for this summer, which may be the last summer I feel good enough to travel (although it may not).

Everything's in flux and there's no plan, and no way for me to begin a plan. That's not my favorite way to live, but it's becoming familiar. I'm getting better at it, I think.