Ow.

Boy, am I in pain. At first I thought it was the mind/body connection -- my pain spiked as I left the oncologist's office with bad news. BUT... I've calmed down some, and the pain is still there, filling up my senses but not in a good John Denver kinda way.

I took half a dilaudid last night and went to my mosaics class with Janis. That was nice. Good to focus on something other than ouches and endgames.

Driving to work this morning with Eric I had to ask him if I have a horrible life. I knew the answer was no, but I wanted to hear him say it. Sure enough, I don't have a horrible life. He listed the goodness, and rightfully named hisownself first. Wonderful friends, a home I love, a job that's flexible and enjoyable... all of that.

I'm tentatively opening one eye, just a little squinty bit, and looking at chemotherapy. I've not wanted to think about it, and so I haven't, due to my highly developed abilility to ignore what I want to ignore (a device from earlier, crazier, days that still comes in handy now & then).

I need to get right with the idea. I can't imagine doing it without embracing it somehow. This thing is: it could work. I need to understand what "working" means. That would be a good place to start.