Cancer still sucks.

I wrote to Lisa this morning that I was "cautiously pessimistic" about this afternoon's appointment with my oncologist. I should have thrown caution to the wind. The doctor confirmed that my tumor markers have risen, and the markers coupled with what he calls my internal sense of how things are going indicate that I have failed this treatment regimen.

Likeliest scenario: I'll schedule a bone scan, and a ct scan, be officially "restaged" and move on to chemotherapy.

Small Possibility: The bone and ct scans show minimal progression, and I make one last ditch effort to pursue a different hormonal treatment. (It's a SMALL possibility)

Very Small possibility: The bone scan and ct scans don't correlate with the tumor markers and my internal sense. Treatment stays the same.

I wanted to stay on hormonal treatments for years and years. The women I know who have lived for many years are the ones who are responsive to those treatments.

It's impossible to know. I figure this means I'll die sooner rather than later. I just don't know.

Here's the funny thing (weird, not haha). I walked into the doctor's appointment, and I limped out.

Now my body's in chaos. I can barely move... I walk with a shuffle and breathing hurts. It must be that mind/body connection, which would all be very interesting if I were observing it in someone else.

I took a flexiril and slept all evening. Now I'm a wake and spinning scenarios.

I don't want anyone to say anything nice. I just hate this. I hate it. I hate it. I'm scared.

V