Happy Birthday, America

It's the Fourth of July, and Eric and I are finishing up the last full day in Mexico. We'll go swimming in the morning, but it won't be the same. We won't have a full day of sun and waves stretching before us. We won't feel rich.

We swam & swam today, just as we did yesterday. Yesterday, the last swim-of-the-day was a loooong one for me. The ocean was choppy and more turbulent than is typical here. Even the big waves here are usually just towers of marshmallow fluff, but yesterday afternoon they were stronger.

The waves had a little more oomph, and I was delighted. I played in the roughish waters for a full 1.5 hours as the sun hung low in the sky. Oddly, when I returned to the beach the waves CONTINUED! The waves followed me to the lounge chair, and later followed me to dinner. After dinner the waves followed me to my room, and to bed! It was wiggley Waggley world, and I have no explanation for it.

This has been SUCH a good vacation. It was really perfect... perfect to begin our summer with a few days at the Atlantis Casino and Resort, Every Player's Paradise, our home away from home, and then to come to this amazing beach and ocean.

These are the books I've read, all of which were recommended to me for my trip, or given to me in the week before:

No Touch Monkey by Ayun Halladay

Not So funny When It Happened edited by Tim Kahill

Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner

The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Ritchie (I said I didn't want any celebrity tell-alls, but I read this book in one relaxing afternoon.)

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie (I'm a Sherman Alexie fan, and this was an uncorrected proof of his not-yet-published book for young adults. Thank you, Tomas da Silva!)

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

I can't believe we're going home tomorrow.

We'll be home for a few days, then we're heading up to Oregon to meet friends for the Fair, which is an annual roadtrip and exercise in silliness.

And then I have a Mission.

I'm not going to tell folks what my mission is until it's completed, because there's no real explaining it. It's just something I want to do before I die. Something that I want to do because I'm dying.

It's going to take a few weeks.

Y'know, when I was first diagnosed as terminally ill -- and I hate to keep harping on it, but it's the unfortunate truth -- I was broken hearted. My heart was absolutely shattered to pieces, because I wanted MORE. I wanted more time, more life, more Eric. I wanted to grow old with him, anad I worried about who would take care of him when I'm gone.

I looked around at a world that suddenly seemed brighter and healthier and more full of promise for everyone but me, and my body ached with envy.

That was two years ago, and the truth is that most of those feelings have stayed the same. But good gosh, the last nine days on the beach has felt like an eternity! Two years is too long to carry that kind of sadness and worry, and so I don't. I just visit it from time to time.

Two years.

But by the time the cancer stopped making me hurt, the treatment started to make me sick. And by the time I was granted this chemotherapy reprieve, I was kinda thinking that maybe dying woulda been better. And now I feel pretty darn good, and I figure there's a thing or two I should do while I can.

So I'm going to try. And I, the least goal-oriented person you're ever likely to meet (or NOT meet, maybe), have a Mission. It's small and it's doable. We'll see.