Another walk down the hill to Kaiser

On the recommendation of my oncologist I have an appointment with my surgeon today. First, how freaky is it that I have an oncologist and a surgeon?

I would like the surgeon to laugh me out the office, saying, "Are you kidding me? That's NOTHING!" So if you could hold that thought today, I'd appreciate it.

On another note.... I don't want to get all Hallmark or Family Circle or Chicken Soup or anything, but I do have some advice from the wrong side of a cancer screening, and it's this:

If you own any scratchy clothing -- shirts made from itchy linen or prickley wool -- or clothing with tags that cause discomfort and poke you and can't be fixed.... THROW THEM OUT.

Life is too short to engage in clothes masochism. I don't care how cute you look in that woolen tunic and tights, either.

Missing Summer

Today is Eric's first day back with students. Talk about an energy drain!

Eric and I are not old and we're not young. We're somewhere in the middle and the middle has been rough on both of us. I've never wanted to go back in time -- never longed for my youth -- because life has always gotten better and better for me.

I suppose it doesn't matter, anyway, since we can't go back.

At my next set up scans they could find that there's been lot's of progression. I could have, say, 18 months of uncomfortable life ahead of me. Or, over the course of many years I could be progression -free or show little progression, and I could live the next 5 years with a good quality of life.

It's impossible to know which scenario will play out, and that's an interesting place to be. Do I have years or a year? Will like be okay or will be totally hard?

I'm still figuring out how to fit all of these questions into my daily routine of work, sleep, and (always, always) loving Eric.

Easy like Sunday morning

Eric and I went to a party on Friday. It was a birthday party for one of Eric's co-workers -- a young woman who was turning thirty. Eric and I were two of the oldest (if not THE oldest) people there.

There was a young woman there who was very, very, friendly.... like, eager puppy friendly... who asked us lots of personal questions about how we met, what our wedding was like, et cetera. Her husband, who looked like the lanky fella from Scooby Doo, was in charge of music. He looked like he was 16, with semi-beard and baggy clothes.

Turns out that this woman and her husband are physicians, completing their residency in San Francisco. They are cardiologists. Boy, do I feel O - L - D old.

I'm drinking coffee, Eric's reading the paper, and we're waiting for Jane to come over this morning. I can't believe it's Sunday already. Yikes!

It feels so early!

Today is Eric's first official day back at work. Monday is his first day with students. Eric's job requires much more energy and effort than mine. For the first few weeks, in particular, he has to set the tone for the year. It's hard to recover if you start the year in a less authoritative position.

Our calenders fill so quickly. Busy, busy. Everyone knows that times speeds up as we get older. They yap about it all the time at the district office. Each school year accelerates and the days (seasons, years) fly by like so many fiery comets.

I want the giant heel of God to fall out of the celestial go cart and start dragging the universe into a major slow down.

I don't even care when. God could extend the most benign moment, and I'd be thrilled. Three months to tie my shoe laces? Fine. A 20-minute commute turned into something turtle-like and two days? Fine. Just slow it down.

Gots to go to work....

Work day 189 of 190

I miss summer already!

My first official day back was just fine, but I'd rather be on vacation. I've been reviewing immunization compliance at all of the schools. Things look better than I'd anticipated. I was so distracted at the end of last year that I've been concerned that I didn't leave my ducks in a row.

Happily, my ducks are in a row.

NM has been in the office but CN isn't expected until tomorrow. It's disconcerting (to say the least) to have a nurse hovering around you, waiting for you to keel over dead. I hope she's gotten over that.

School Days, School Days

Today's my first official day of work. It seems that I will be late for my first official day of work.

It's a strange thing. The impulse is to bemoan this day, and to think: well, only 190 work days and then I'll be free for another fabulous summer.

This really lends new meaning to "wishing your life away". At the end of this school year I'll have lived for approximately one quarter of the remaining days my onocologist predicted for me. It was an off-the-cuff-prediction. It's all a shot in the dark. Still...

Also: I would like the world to tuck cotton around Eric today. Whatever it is you do -- prayers, white light, good thoughts -- let's pump up the jam for Mr. Price, who's as worried, scared, and sad as I am (and sometimes more).

Psychic Healers of the Phillipines Can Kiss My Motherfucking Ass

Sometimes I wish that someone could comfort me. Eric makes life easier and infinitely more joyful than it would be without him. Eric makes the worst situation bearable and the best situation better. Eric is constant and unshakeable and I love him with all of my heart. I loved him with all of my broken heart, when I met him... and now I love him with the full heart that he -- really -- healed.

Still, I want someone to tell me something both true and hopeful about my future.

I'm grateful for the women I talk to who share this disease. They're the ones who get it. They understand balancing act between fear and productivity. The know that quality of life isn't just a catchy phrase. I'm not grateful to all the people my friends know who had some other disease, and who are now "cured". I'm not grateful for all of the people who had cancers with very low long term survival rates who survived. A very low long term survival rate is different from NO long term survival.

I'm not grateful for the opportunities I have to tell people that I'm dying. It's not easy to say and it doesn't comfort me to say it. I don't want to have to tell anyone more than once.

Anyone who thinks they could have cancer better than me -- with more hope, vigor, or willingness to try alternative therapies -- is welcome to try. Honestly, though, I hope they don't have to. Because it sucks. And it kills you.

Really.

I can't believe I start work for reals on Tuesday.

Working this week has been just fine. I've spent most of my time pouring over students' registrations, checking to see if they've met immunization requirements.

I'm just tired, though!

Sara didn't make the cut at the American Idol audition, but she came away with interesting stories 'bout how it all works. Last night Eric, Valentine, Sara, and I went to the Alley along with Mr. Tom Silva. It was fun but a late night for me.

Tonight we expect Graham and Leah to arrive. Tomorrow night we expect my brother Paul and neice Rosemary to arrive.

As for me... I'm off to work soon.

Sleepy me!

I went to see my oncologist today -- nothing dramatic or important. The waiting room was full of sad looking people. Imagine!

One woman's name was called and she stood to follow the nurse back into the examination room area. Several feet down the hall she looked over her shoulder, turned, and said, "Are you coming?"

Her husband grumblemumbled, "I guess so," and joined her.

Tonight we will have a houseguest. Valentine is Leah's mother. She's in town to support her daughter Sara (Leah's sister), who is standing in line tonight to audition for American Idol tomorrow. I hope she makes it!

Tomorrow night both Valentine and Sara will be staying with us.

I am tired. I am deeply, deeply, tired. There's nothing else I can say that will carry as much truth as those words, so I think I'll call it a night.

Tuesday

Working yesterday wasn't so bad. I'm going in today, as well. There's plenty to do.

Eric and I spent almost every moment (waking and sleeping) together this summer. Truly, we've never spent so many hours together, and we've spent a lot of hours together.

Still, I miss him and I'm sad that we have to start working and stop hanging out. I just can't get enough of that fella. I'd give up anything to be healthy again. I'd crawl to the far ends of the earth. But I wouldn't give up Eric. I'd rather die at 40 with him than live to be 100 without him.

I'm off to work again today. I'm not sure when the nurses get back, but I think it could be today. I'll give a full report of CN when she arrives.