Blech.

I was awake from around 1:30 this morning until around 7:30. I had just taken dialudid, and my sleep was full of narcotic dreams. Not nightmares... just weird images. My eyelids were made of clay, and it was if someone had gone through and pinched little mean-faced men into the clay with thumb and forefinger. When I closed my eyes, all I could see was row after row of mean clay faces.

So, it was a good night for sitting up. I haven't taken any drugs since, except the anti-inflammatory. I don't mind the pain as much as I mind the fogginess. A good sign, I think. We'll see how long it lasts.

Yesterday I had my "dry run" radiotheraphy, and recieved my three new blue-dot tattooes. I also had a full body ct scan, with a lovely banana-barium shake beforehand.

The onset of this pain was so sudden. I was minding my own business one moment -- thinking of how to juggle out of town trips and concerts and whatnot. I now I've been (essentially) on my back for a week.

This is not what I had in mind when I said that October would be a No Fun Month. I just wanted to rest up for all the fun in November.

So much for that plan!

Blah.

I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself tonight. Poor, poor, me. But really... poor, poor, me. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow.

Eric just made me a cup of hot chocolate, and that helped. It's amazing what a good mug of hot chocolate can do (especially when served to you by Eric).

I'm calling it a night...

Fresh Update, Hot Off The Grill!

I am heavily under the influence of narcotics -- currently taking betwixt 2 & 3 times the original dosage of dilaudid prescribed for me -- but it's made the pain manageable. I'm wincing, not hollering, and that's a big, big, improvement.

Here's what's going on...

There is a lymph node at my clavicle that is presumed to be cancerous -- it's big and swollen and it's presumed to be pressing on a nerve, thus the bigbig pain.

I will be receiving a course of radiation treatments to that area, to reduce the size of the lymph node and therefore decrease the pain.

I went to meet with the radiation oncologist today. He looks a bit like Peter Fonda. He said that my treatment will probably be between 10 and 30 consecutive weekdays. He will have more information about that after seeing CT Scan results. I will be having the ct scan done on Friday (tomorrow).

The radiation will be given to the area of my clavicle and neck. The idea is to give the area a "full dose" of radiation -- the maximum amount of radiation the area can receive. Anticipated side effects are fatigue and local skin irritation, similar to a sunburn. That's what I experienced three years ago when I received radiation therapy.

The radiation will not impact my heart, but will most likely catch part of my lung. It will be an area of my lung that is small enough that it will not have a clinical effect. It will also likely impact my throat. He said I could anticipate a sore throat, but that the soreness should be slight.

Next steps for me will most likely include chemotherapy, but I am engaging in a first-things-first philosophy. I don't need to complete my radiation therapy before having the "chemo chat" with my oncologist, but I do need to be more settled in... and feeling less groggy would be good, as well.

The plan is:

Continue with dilaudid for pain.

Tomorrow (Friday): "Dry run" radiation (for set up purposes... like a rehearsal) and tattooing (outlining the area to be radiated -- you may have noticed the little blue dots on my chest from my earlier radiation treatment). This all happens at the East Bay Cancer Center in Hayward.

Full Body CT Scan at Kaiser Oakland.

Weekend: Whole heap o' nothing, thank you very much.

Monday: First radiation treatment ... time as yet undetermined. I would also like to return to work, even if it's just for a few hours.

Every day after Monday: Who knows???

I am pretty drugged up, and so communication is difficult. I've been terribly itchy lately, and I've lost my little wooden back scratcher. Bad timing, because I have limited mobility, and really it's the perfect tool for the job.

Last night, I started using a pen to scratch my back, with satisfactory results. Unfortunately, I was so wacky that I didn't realize that there was no CAP on the pen, and that I was actually drawing all over my back.

It really is about having the right tool for the job, isn't it?

Thanks for all of your nice emails -- Eric and I 'preciate all of your kind words and offers of help.

Ouch to the umpteenth power.

I have experienced a sudden increase in pain -- boy oh boy have I experienced a sudden increase in pain. The last 24 hours have been an incredible, hazy, howling, adventure in pain.

I've been to the doctor. He's given me dilaudid, and even that hasn't made me comfortable. Foggy, yes... comfy, no.

I will begin radiation therapy to shrink the turmor (that seems to be pushing on a nerve) and control the pain. I have my radiotherapy consultation on Thursday, dry run on Friday, and no radiation until Monday. I don't know how many sessions I'll have or what the side effects will be.

Also, in the next few days, I'll be having ct scans.

It seems that I have failed hormonal therapy.

How far has my cancer progressed? When will the pain stop? When can I work? What will chemotherapy be like, now that chemotherapy is a more immediate option?

I have questions but no answers.

MMMmmmMMMmmm

For dinner tonight Eric made french onion soup (freedom onion soup?) -- ten onions, carmelized to sweet brown goo, with homemade chicken stock and beef stock, and wine, and apple cider, and other goodness... AND...

Grilled, pressed, sandwiches made from fresh mozarella and roasted red peppers.

If I hadn't already married him, I'd marry him.

It's not that it'll pass... it's that anyone would even suggest it.

Assisted-reproduction bill would bar singles, gays

Associated Press

 

An interim legislative committee is considering a bill that would prohibit gays, lesbians and single people in Indiana from using medical science to assist them in having a child.

 

Sen. Patricia Miller, R-Indianapolis, said the state does not regulate assisted reproduction but should have requirements similar to its adoption requirements.

 

Miller is chairwoman of the Health Finance Commission, a panel of lawmakers that will vote Oct. 20 on whether to recommend the legislation to the full General Assembly.

 

The bill defines assisted reproduction as causing pregnancy by means other than sexual intercourse, including intrauterine insemination, donation of an egg, donation of an embryo, in vitro fertilization and transfer of an embryo, and sperm injection.

 

It would require "intended parents" to be married to each other and says a single person may not be an intended parent.

 

"If we're going to try to put Indiana on the map, I wouldn't go this route," said Betty Cockrum, president and chief executive officer of Planned Parenthood of Indiana. "It feels pretty chilling. It is governmental intrusion into a very private part of our lives."

 

Miller acknowledged that the legislation would be "enormously controversial."

 

Under the proposal, a doctor could not begin an assisted reproduction technology procedure that might result in a child being born until the intended parents had received a satisfactory assessment. The assessment is similar to what is required for infant adoption and would be conducted by a licensed child-placing agency in Indiana.

 

The required information includes the fertility history of the parents, education and employment information, personality descriptions, verification of marital status, child-care plans and criminal history checks. A description of the family lifestyle of the intended parents also would be required, including participation in faith-based or church activities.

 

The bill does not apply to assisted-reproduction cases in which the child is the genetic child of both of the intended parents: for example, if the sperm is from the father and the egg is from the mother. But married couples who need donor sperm or eggs would have to go through an assessment process and establish parentage in a court.

 

Ken Falk, legal director for the Indiana Civil Liberties Union, said the bill sets up clear discrimination that would be difficult to uphold in court.

 

"My question is: 'What is the danger that we are legislating against?' Are we saying that only married persons should be able to be parents, which is certainly a slap in the face to many same-sex couples but also to many who do not have a partner but have undertaken being a parent."

Night

Eric was light today. He was just happy -- light hearted and happy, like the old days. Not every old day, but many of them, used to be light.

Did we cherish them, when we had them in abundance? I think so. I hope so.

Brrrrrrr.

It's hard to get up in the morning when the house is cold and the bed is warm.  I don't like getting up in the cold and dark.

 

One of the things I love about Eric (among the many things that I love about Eric) is that Eric says "burrrrrrrrrrrrr" when he's cold, just like you'd read it in a book.

 

I checked in to see who's been looking at my blog lately.  Not to worry -  I don't get a list of your names and addresses, but rather your IP addresses and the webpage that linked you to me (if one exists).  

 

Somebody found me recently by doing a search for "endtimers", and that makes me laugh.  They searched for "endtimers" and found this:

 

Friday Morning

12 Aug 2005 by Martha   They believe it even more strongly than endtimers think the rapture'll be in their lifetime. Anyway... whatever you call it... Darlene Weaver died yesterday. Her sister says her passing was peaceful and in the arms of her loving ... Oh, Martha! - http://ohmarthaagain.blogspot.com

 

Things are still busy at work.  I'm still enjoying my mosaics class and reading The Chronicles of Narnia.  Eric is still 300% more handsome than the next most handsome man.  Our camping trip w/ Eric's co-workers has been cancelled for this weekend, so maybe we'll have a quiet, matineed, dinner-at-home, kinda weekend.  That would be nice.

 

That's all I have to report!

 

 

Blogger is blocked at work...

So I'm attempting to post this "remotely" via secret e-mail access. We'll see how it goes!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and the women I know with breast cancer are certainly aware of it. As one woman with metastatic disease wrote:

Oh, it must be October again, because they're trotting out the celebrities who have bright futures. What about the over 40,000 who die each year?

Or, as another woman put it:

There are more than 250,000 women in the United States age 40 and under currently living with breast cancer... And what about the women who develop metastatic disease? Where are our stories? We retire on medical disability from careers that we love. We struggle to live long enough to raise our children. We are always on some form of treatment, staying on chemo not for a few months, but until we're in the grave.

Another woman writes:

I don't want pink ribbons on my socks. I want a cure!

Women with breast cancer survive loudly, and die quietly. The news is full of stories of increased survival rates, but those numbers are largerly a function of early detection, not curative treatments. Women are dying, dying... some faster, some more slowy.

The only real success when it comes to metastatic disease is in our heads (perhaps our hearts), not our bodies. As one woman -- 28 years old with two children, ages 3 & 5 -- puts it:

At first, my hope was that we would shrink the tumors and that I could go NED [no evidence of disease], then as time went on and it wasn't happening, I decided I'd be happy with "stability", and now that they are growing, I'm trying to get my brain around being ok with it growing slowly, just not rapidly. Of course, I still have hope that we will find something that will shrink them altogether, and I'm still struggling with balancing realism with optimism. I don't know if I'll ever strike the balance, but I don't know that I'll ever stop trying either, so that's something, right?

Yeah, that's something. Anyway, it'll have to do.

Sometimes I've thought that the symbol for breast cancer should be changed from a pink ribbon to a skull and crossbones. How about wearing that on your hat?

I hate breast cancer, absolutely. I hate it, and I hate having it. I'll do what I have to do, and I'll practice active gratitude, and I'll count my blessings 1-2-3, but in the end it's all an exercise in making do.

My sister Jane sent me this poem, which I think sums it all up very nicely.

Kay Ryan

The Best of It

However carved up
or pared down we get,
we keep on making
the best of it as though
it doesn't matter that
our acre's down to
a square foot. As
though our garden
could be one bean
and we'd rejoice if
it flourishes, as
though one bean
could nourish us.

I love Saturday.

We slept in until 7:30 today! I can't believe that sleeping until 7:30 is "sleeping in" for me, but it sure is.

This morning I was remembering how I used to work six days a week. Eric had forgotten, but I will never forget. I worked six days a week for several years, starting at 6:00 AM. Monday through Saturday. I was a salaried employee with two weeks of vacation of year. What a sucky situation.

I remember that one year I went in on Christmas morning, just to check on something.

I don't think I'm that dedicated an employee anymore. Now I work 190 days a year, 7.5 hours a day, and I have a calendar on my desk with a countdown 'til summer: 164 workdays, 163 workdays, 162 workdays...

Conversely, I think I'm probably a better employee now. I'm more organized, and I procrastinate less. I'm less interested in or involved with gossip, politics, et cetera. I just want to get it done, and go home.

At that other job, though... I made some of the best friends of my life. So no regrets there, either.

Today is Saturday and I loooooove Saturday. I'm going to read The Magician's Nephew (from C.S. Lewis' Narnia series -- I'm re-reading these childhood favorites with Tom), and do laundry, and drink coffee, and perhaps do a little mosaic-making-related-shopping. This evening we're going to Corinne's for dinner with Tom, and then off to see the Shotgun Player's latest production.

That's a nice day, and I 'preciate it.