Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Let The Good Times Roll

Eric and I used to throw Mardis Gras parties.  They were fun!  We danced, and drank  fabulous chapagne punch, and ate Eric's jambalaya, and handed out beads.  Those were happy days.  We're not having a party this year, but Fat Tuesday is still a happy day.
 
It was rainy earlier.  In fact, it hailed.  But now the sky is blue w/ puffy white clouds, and it's bright and breezy.  I'll probably go for a walk with Eric at the Marina after work.  Then we'll drive home together -- always a treat -- and do out typical weeknight kinda things.
 
It doesn't SOUND like a party, but it's a party.  Eric's presence makes the worst days some better, and turns average days into something deeply, deeply, good. 

Monday, February 27, 2006

Ho Hum

It was a nice, sleepy, day today. Busy at work but not too busy... working on my latest mosaics hooey tonight. I am longing for vacation. Seventy-five more work days until summer, but who's counting?

Watching Jon Stewart on Larry King right now. That's about it!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sunday Night

I like three day weekends better.

I had a nice weekend with Eric. We saw the last of the nominees for Best Picture tonight -- Munich.

I'd like another day off, please.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

School Days School Days

The school district where I work has something called the School Attendance Review Board, or SARB.  When a child misses an unusual amount of school, whether from "ditching" or illness or family emergency, the parents are asked to attend a meeting at the district office with representatives from the school administration, the local police department, counselors, and one of the school nurses.
 
Often the parent says that the child is too sick to attend to school, but that is rarely true.  People lie like crazy -- outrageous lies -- and typically the reality is that they just don't want to make the effort to get the kid to school.
 
Sometimes the parent says: "I can't make her go... she doesn't like it."  The child might be 7 or 8  years old.  The truth is that the parent doesn't want to get up that early, or the parent enjoys the kid's company, or the parent has one older kid looking after one or more younger kids.
 
If the child's attendance doesn't improve, the case is turned over to the District Attorney.
 
It's a difficult program to maintain.  The parents are often hostile and almost always lie.  It's time consuming for the staff, and most of the kids are doomed anyway.  Most school districts don't even bother trying.
 
I used to ditch school.  I missed so much of the 9th grade that I could never remember which locker was mine.  My parents rarely mentioned it, although my mother would occasionally cry.  One time my father asked me where I went when I didn't go to school.  I told him it was none of his business.  We left it at that, and my mother cried.
 
In the 10th grade, I simply stopped attending.  I skipped more than half of the first semester.   My parents never mentioned anything, although my mother sometimes cried.
 
When I went to class on the second day of the second semester there was a note for me to go see the Vice Principal.
 
The Vice Principal told me that I was a gracious young lady.  He said that I gave every appearance of being a good person, as I sat there with my hands folded in my lap, but that in reality I wasn't a good person.  I was walking a fence.  It was for me to decide which side I would fall to -- the good or the bad.  He said, "Usually when a student misses so much school there's a problem at home.  Is there a problem at home?"
 
I told him there wasn't. 
 
He sent me to spend the second semester of the 10th grade in a class called Guidance.  I was told that if I didn't attend every day I would be expelled.  For some reason, I cared.
 
In Guidance I spent the entire school day in one room, with a group of developmentally disabled and/or emotionally disturbed students.  Our only curriculum was to read and summarize three articles from the L.A. Times each day.  Beyond that, we watched television.
 
At 10:00 AM each morning we watched reruns of "The Love Boat". 
 
I read a lot. 
 
I tried not to look at anyone.
 
A young woman named Samella, who had an oddly shaped forehead and would tell long, detailed, stories about having sex with dogs, believed that I was evil.  When I looked at her she would scream and hide behind chairs or sometimes underneath a table.
 
My parents never mentioned anything about Guidance to me.  I went there, and I came home.  Not a word was said.  I didn't miss a day of school all semester.
 
On the last day of the 10th grade I walked home from school and went to my mother, who was lying in bed.  It was clear that she hadn't gotten up that day.  She had been crying.
 
I sat down on her bed and talked about the Guidance program for the first time.  Our entire conversation is below.
 
Me: I've been in this thing called Guidance all year.  It was really hard.  It was terrible.  Did you know about it?
 
Her: (crying) Yes.  We thought it was the best thing.  Don't you think it's been good for you?
 
Me:  No.
 
I'm so glad that this school district makes an effort to get these children in school.  When the nurses come back from SARB meetings with stories of parents who seem to have no interest in making their children go to school -- who claim that they CANNOT make their kids go to school -- I sometimes feel a weight on my chest.  I think about the children.  I think about how I felt, then... how I believed that all of my choices were my own.  I believed that I was choosing to fail.
 
I can see my mother crying, crying...
 
At the end of the 11th grade I dropped out of school, after failing every class in the fourth quarter.  I asked my parents first.  They said it was okay.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I'm still around.

I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been in wait-and-see mode and haven't had much to report -- not even rants about Christians. I'm waiting and seeing about cancer progression, and I'm waiting and seeing how I feel day to day. I've had a nice week, but today I woke up with significant pain. I never know what to expect. Not knowing what to expect is a slow drain on my energy.

The pain that cancer has caused me thus far has always come and gone and come back again, making me quite the atypical "mets sister" with bone involvement. For most folks, bone pain due to cancer is constant and unrelenting. It's a barometer for how treatment is working.

For me, the pain has come and gone and come and gone throughout my Exciting Cancer Journey. Thus, I lack the cancer-activity-measuring-stick that some ladies have.

Of course, having a cancer-activity-measuring-stick on a daily basis is only good if the cancer's going away. Also, it's better to be without pain than with it, whatever's going on in CancerLand.

I know that folks never tire of hearing about my love for Eric (who is still the bitchingest fella I know) and my disdain for Christianity, but lately I've just been waiting waiting waiting. I hope I'm waiting for something good.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Fingers Crossed

So... the test results we were waiting for indicated that the cancer had progressed. Still, my oncologist recommends waitin' and seein' for a few more weeks. It's a long shot and I'm not one to wear my hope on my sleeve -- but it'd be nice if this treatment would work for a while. Let's hold that thought for now, okay?

Here's the email exchange I had with the doctor. How's that for full disclosure?


To: Martha A Price
From: PWG MD
Subject: RE: Blood Test Results
Received: 2/15/06 8:18 AM

Ms. Price, I believe we discussed that I'd consider a CA 15-3 > 100
to be worrisome for progressive cancer that is refractory to the current
therapy. The result was 99. I'd favor continuing with the current
treatment, with a recheck of the CA 15-3 in early April, as we planned. Although
we believe that a falling CA 15-3 correlates with a shrinking tumor, and a
rising CA 15-3 correlates with an enlarging tumor, I don't want to abandon what
might still prove to be an effective hormone treatment too soon. In particular,
I'm mindful that effective hormone treatments can be associated with a hormone
"flair" phenomenon, with a temporary enlargement of tumors before they shrink;
it would be a shame to miss the possibility of a significant hormone response,
because we give up on hormone treatment too soon. Let me know, however, if
you want to consider moving on to chemotherapy now.

P.G. M.D.


From: PRICE,MARTHA A
Sent: 2/15/2006 8:47 AM
To: PG
Subject: RE: Blood Test Results

Dr. G -I'm reluctant to begin chemotherapy based on tumor marker results.
My question is: would scans at this point give us useful information? I
understand the tumor flair phenomenon, but if (for example) a bone scan showed
new hotspots, would that be "proof" of failure of the hormonal treatment?
I'm not at all anxious to start chemo, but at the same time I'm afraid that this
treatment is ineffective.

Thanks,

Martha Price


To: Martha A Price
From: PWG MD
Subject: RE: Blood Test Results
Received: 2/15/06 1:41 PM

Ms. Price: an excellent question! But the hormone flair phenomenon
applies to bone scans as well, so a "new" lesion on a bone scan (done shortly
after beginning an effective hormone treatment) may actually just be an old
lesion that was too small to detect that has now become visible because of the
hormone flair. As long as you're feeling reasonably well, I'd favor
continuing the current treatment, and making the assessment of
response/progression at the next visit.

PD M.D.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Wednesday Night

Eric and I took Bart to the city tonight to see a conversation between Billy Collins and Kay Ryan, moderated by Garrison Keiller. It was part of the City Arts and Lectures series -- a nice evening's entertainment. I do love poetry.

Riding back on Bart, sleepy and smooshed up against Eric, I thought about all the times I've sat next to Eric on planes and trains and buses. I'm notoriously impatient with shuttle buses. Eric could tell you all about it. Anyway, I've traveled with Eric a lot, and he's always three steps ahead of the game. I'll just be sitting on a narrow seat, dozing... but Eric has already figured out which gate we'll be at, or the stop to take, or where the phone is to call the shuttle. Eric takes care o' business, and I just ride.

It was a happy, sleepy, train ride tonight.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Five Times Fast

I invented a new tongue twister.  Check it out:
 
Cinnamon Synonym
 
See how many times you can say it, quickly, without stumbling.

Still Waiting

I didn't write about my appointment with the oncologist yesterday because we're still waiting for some test results to come back -- there's nothing to say, at the moment. 
 
The test results will or will not point to a need for further testing; further testing might indicate a failure of my current treatment plan, and a need to continue on to chemotherapy.
 
Who knows what will happen?  I certainly don't.  I'll continue to hope for the best, but a-wishin' and a-hopin' hasn't really done much good so far.

Monday, February 13, 2006

V-Day

I searched through an old textbook tonight, looking for a poem I used to quote on Valentine's Day. Here it is:

There is no love. We for a moment stand
And hold at bay inevitable pain
Aghast and passionate, hand in eager hand
Before we face our loneliness again.


You can see what good company I was. I didn't know anything about romantic love, or much about any other kind of love, either. I didn't know about love, but I knew a thing or two about loneliness. I didn't see that changing anytime soon.

Eric is the surprise that just keeps getting better. Eric gives my story a happy ending. I mean that: Eric gives my story a happy ending, and isn't that an amazing thing? Isn't that a miracle?

When Eric and I were in Mexico over Thanksgiving I was determined to be there and to do whatever I could do, but I was tired and sort of beaten up. I had a broken collar bone and a burn from radiation... I had an infection in my arm and an unhappy relationship with the idea that my bones could just spontaneously fracture.

We were in the ocean, which always makes us happy. We were just walking around in the low waves, the water at shoulder-level, being very careful because of the fracture. It was all nice, until we a saw a larger wave heading straight for us. I couldn't dive under it, and I was afraid that it would send me tumbling.

And that's when my husband, said, "stay right there". Then he stood between me and the wave, and stretched his arms out with a look on his fact that I can't describe or forget... and I saw that my husband was going to hold back the Pacific Ocean so that it wouldn't hurt me.

I sure do love that man.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A woman of few words.

I haven't been posting much lately. I've just been hanging out... feeling a little better, feeling a little worse...

It's a three day weekend, thank god. I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. Nothing good can come from it. And that's about it.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Update from the Couch

Cato is the host of a tv show called "Eye for an Eye" -- a People's Court kind of show, 'cept there are no cash settlements. For instance, if a person's car is damaged, the injured party gets to go fuck up the other person's car.

It's a sign of the endtimes. I know it.

Eric says he hates the dark cloud that hangs over us. I do, too. I don't know how to fix it, though.

Monday, February 06, 2006

I feel better.

I had a bit of a bummer weekend.  It's funny-sounding, I know, but I don't THINK I was in pain.  I couldn't point to a place that hurt, anyway.  It was all just WRONG. 
 
I was vaguely nauseated and my bones didn't fit together correctly.  So... I was horizontal most of the weekend.  I even watched the entire Super Bowl, if that's any indication of how low energy I was.  The only time I left the house was for dinner on Saturday with Eric, Corinne and Tom.  That was nice.
 
Today seems better, so far. 
 
Tomorrow is my infusion o' bone strengthening drugs.  More likely than not that means that Wednesday will go by in fog and fever.  Thursday I have the abdominal injection of the ovary-mummifying-pencil lead, and Friday my brother Paul comes to visit.
 
The days do fly by like so many fiery comets!  It's a tough pill to swallow for someone who feels like there's scant few days remaining ANYway.  If I could, I'd slow down every day to a snail's pace -- even the bummer days when my bones aren't aligned.
 

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Ladies Die

The core group of women I know from my online cancer support groups are starting to get sicker, and die. These are the women who have quickly answered my questions, comiserated with me, told me about their exerience with dx and tx (diagnosis and treatment, for those not in the know). These are the women who have been cheerful and hopeful and helpful.

Now, one by one, the take to their beds. The treatment makes them sick -- they're losing weight rapidly. The doctor says give it another month, but they don't know if it's worth it. Running out of choices. Looking into hospice. Can't walk down the stairs. Can't stop crying. Too tired to cry.

It's the natural progression. It makes me want to squeeze the goodness out of each day even more -- to do what I can, while I can, even if I don't feel great. I don't think there will be any days when I feel great anymore, although I wouldn't turn 'em down! I'll settle for "fine".

Friday, February 03, 2006

Friday rocks.

I'm SO glad it's Friday. Boy, am I glad it's Friday.

It was a long week for me. I've been tired, and sort of feeling up and down in my head. My body has been pretty much okay.

Otherwise it was a normal week. Same ol' same ol'... the same story, which would be boring (undoubtedly IS boring to youse guys) if not for my love affair with Eric (which sustains me in ways I cannot describe).

Friday. Yay!